It’s a GratiTuesday post, but it isn’t pretty OR rosy…

I had some things happen this week that brought up some pain.  Pain that I had stuffed down deep in an effort to survive.  Pain I didn’t think anyone could bring up except my mother, but I was wrong.

I’ve posted a couple of times about my broken relationship with my mother.  I’ve not really posted the depth of pain it causes, though.

I haven’t posted that my mother is an alcoholic.

I haven’t posted that even though I know she will hurt me over and over I keep going back like a dog to it’s vomit.

I haven’t posted that every day I pray for her, think of her, and miss her.

I haven’t posted that my kids are hurt by her actions, or  non-actions.

I haven’t posted that she' hasn’t sent anything except cruel letters to me for going on 10 years now.

I have wondered how much I could take.

I have wondered when I would break.

I know now.

I’m broken.

Deeply broken.

I’m not sure how or if I’ll ever recover emotionally.

I doubt everything.

I doubt people.

I doubt myself.

I cry.

And cry.

And cry.

If you have an alcoholic in your life maybe you can relate.  Maybe you know the pain they can cause.  Maybe you too have a messed up relationship with your mother.  Maybe you too have deep insecurity because of it.

I’ve prayed to God to make this better.

I’ve tried to be good enough for her to love me.

I’ve tried to tell her and show her in any way possible that I love her, hoping that it would at some point tug at her heart and make her love me back.

Maybe if I did this she’d love me.

Maybe if I do this she won’t hate me.

Why does she hate me?

Maybe I’m unlovable.

Maybe I’m not worthy.

Maybe everyone really is going to eventually leave me.

Maybe there’s something so deeply wrong with me that I deserve this.

All I’ve ever wanted was to love God, and people.

These are my true feelings.  They’re not pretty.  They’re not wrapped up in neat little packages.  I’m sorry if I’ve deluded you into thinking I have it all together, because I don’t.

I fail.

All the time.

I have 4 children relying on my not to fail.

I love them more than anything in this world, and I’m so scared that someday I’ll go crazy like my mom has and hurt them too.

I can’t let that happen.

I have a husband who is truly amazing.  I mean really.  I watch him from a distance because I know I don’t deserve him.

I don’t know how I got my husband.  And sometimes I push him away by holding on too tight.

I know he’s amazing, and I know he deserves better.

There it is.  That’s my dark place.  That’s where the devil hangs out in my mind and torments me.  These are the things he uses to do so.

Maybe you have a dark place like this.

I’ve heard it said that sometimes you have to find the dark to find the light.

I know that to be true.

I’m in the dark place now, but I’m looking for the light.

I’m looking for God.

I know I’ll find Him, and I’ll come back into the light.

Are you in a dark place?  Are you looking for God?

Don’t give up.  Don’t let go.  Don’t let the devil win.

Alcohol is the devil’s tool to destroying families.  I’m not saying you should NEVER drink, although that is probably the best choice for some, but I am saying it is a tool the devil uses.

Just like our negative thoughts.

Letting the devil use our negative thoughts to destroy us in not really that much different from letting him use alcohol to destroy us.

The destruction is the same, just a different tool.

As for me, I have to understand that my mother is dead to the alcohol.  And I have to accept that and make her dead to me.  I have to separate her actions from my self worth.

God will heal me here, just as He has in the past.

It’s going to take some time, and I might not be blogging much.  I’m thankful I have the season of Lent to reflect on God instead of the world.