Wednesday, January 18, 2017

I'm scared to post this....

I've had some thoughts swirling around in my mind for quite some time.  Thoughts that want to come out, but I'm deeply afraid of hurting people I love.  I'm afraid of offending people that I respect.  I'm afraid that people reading this will not hear my heart, and think I have something other than loving thoughts as I write this.  So, I've avoided writing for a long time.

But, on Monday (MLK Day) my friends and I took our kids to see the movie Hidden Figures.  It was SO good.  I was very moved by the entire movie, and I will go see it again, and probably buy it.  It follows three women who work for NASA during the time of MLK and the Civil Rights Movement, a time when we were told to be "separate but equal", which we learned through history is not possible.  Many people of many colors fought to ensure that we would truly have equal rights during this time, and some even gave their life for this important cause.

Flash forward to 2016, the end of the presidency of the first Black President, and we are finding our way back to the divisions that existed then.  As the mother of 2 black children I am devastated to see the direction of our country.  I'm devastated to see the division re-emerging around me.  People of different colors looking at each other with suspicious eyes.  People of different colors magnifying their differences, and refusing to see the things that are the same.  People of different colors segregating themselves and not having friends that don't look like them.

And then- as we watched the movie on Monday there was a scene where the mom and her two kids are kicked out of the "White Library".  My 7 year old son turned to me and asked, "Mom, why did they have to leave?"  The concept of segregation is so removed from him.  I answered that back then black people and white people were separated and couldn't go to the same places.  As I watched him digest this concept I realized that during that time I would not even be able to be Mommy to my sweet babies.

"I realized that during that time I would not even be able to be Mommy to my sweet babies."

This is when I knew I had to write.  This is when I knew I had to take the risk. 

Lately I've been watching scary words come across social media and other news outlets.  Words like Racist, Misogynist, Bigot are thrown around like candy, usually to describe our incoming President, or those who support him.  Why?  Because the democratic machine that has long been used to suppress the needs of minorities has planted these words, and words like Hitler as scare tactics to invoke a fear of change. 

A friend of mine shared something on Facebook today: "I used to be a Democrat for most of my life... about 10 years ago I started paying attention and I discovered that Democrat leaders weren't interested in solving problems for minorities, they were just interested in getting their votes. Democrats are maintaining the modern day plantation by keeping minorities on urban plantations, uneducated, no jobs, and then handing out just enough government "benefits" to keep people dependent on the system, but not true freedom. The Black leaders enrich themselves by race-baiting and race hustling to stir up the masses, but deliver little in terms that benefit the community. Then I discovered that the Black community suffers from the crab-in-the-bucket mentality. If you try to leave, you are labeled a sellout, Uncle Tom, token Negro, etc. I am dedicating this Facebook page to educate and inform those open enough to hear the message. We have enough evidence in Baltimore, Chicago, Philadelphia, and Los Angeles for the past 50 years where Democrats have had total control of those cities and nothing has changed. The victim mentality must stop... I've never blamed anything that happened to me on anyone but myself. That also gives me the control to fix it. I hope to pass that message along to my brothers and sisters willing to listen... it's time to get off the Democrat plantation."- Anthony Thorton

Because of my support of police officers I have been told to "put my hood on and wear it proudly". 
Because of my support of Donald Trump I've been called a racist, and a homophobe.
Because of my affiliation with the Republican Party I've been accused of not caring about minorities.

It's time to stop the madness!  I think people are starting to wake up and realize that maybe the hard and fast lines that have been drawn are not true.  It's time to stop throwing words like "Racist" around like candy.  It really cheapens what that word is.

There are real examples in our country of what racism looks like, and supporting law and order, or a particular candidate, or party affiliation are not it.  Calling out the president for his failed presidency isn't it either....

I've had the exact same thoughts.  I SO wanted him to be a great president, even though I didn't vote for him, because he could really set the stage for future generations.  Having 2 black children, whether I agreed with him on policy or not, it was important to them that he do well.  But, in the end, race relations are back to the 60's at the end of his presidency.  People don't feel safe in their homes.  Police officers are in grave danger every single day, and murders of police officers is on the rise.  Health care costs are out of control, and more people are on welfare than before he took office.

This is not a racist statement.  It's a TRUE statement.  And it makes me sad.  It makes me sad for my children.  Blame who you want, but our country is currently riddled with all types of domestic terrorism and division.  We have people being applauded for not attending the Inauguration and  people being threatened for wanting to perform. 

What I don't understand, is how anyone can say this type of behavior is ok, because it avoids "Normalizing Trump's Behavior"...  Like what behavior?  Including all types, colors, sexes of people in the Inauguration? 

So, for me, I guess I'm called to be a light in my own part of the world.  I want Trump to succeed not because he's white, but because he's the president.  His success will lead to better things for us all.  The more we allow division amongst ourselves, the more we shoot ourselves in our own feet.  What is the point of that?  How does that help us???

So, stop saying things like "Normalizing His behavior", and Misogynist, and bigot, and for goodness sake leave Hitler out of it!  If I were a jew I'd be unbelievably offended by the way the liberals and the MSM have cheapened the horrors that occurred during Hitler's rein of terror.  We are no where close to that.  If you ask me, the bully mentality coming from the liberal side is far more like it than what's coming from Trump's team. 

As we go forward I pray for our country.  I pray we seek direction, and seek to find our common goals and common needs.  I pray we see each others' hearts, not skin color, or social status, or party affiliation, or even gender when addressing each other.  And I pray we consider the role that Social Media plays in all of this, and the trap we have fallen into with how we interact with each other in this "my way or wrong" mentality that it feeds.

In Love,

Monday, January 02, 2017

What a difference a Year Makes

Here we are.  It's been a year.  As I look back over the past year I feel like we've all lived a lifetime, yet it also seems like yesterday.  Part of me wants to fast forward to Wednesday, as if skipping over the one year anniversary would be some magical solution that would make it easier....... or not to have happened....  Part of me doesn't want to enter into the next year because that means that it's been a year.  And if it's been a year since Bug left us, then the chances of this being a nightmare and being real life are that much more.  If it's been a year, I'm not going to wake up to realize that this was a crazy dream, but Bug's still here.  I know that none of this is logical.  I know whether it's been a minute, a month, or a year it doesn't change a thing.  The fact is, she is not here. 

And the truth is, I'm reminded of this every single day.

I'm reminded as I see the sadness in my children's' eyes when they get quiet.

I was reminded of the fact that she's gone the other day as I stared at a questionnaire asking me when my son first started talking as a baby....  I don't know that answer.  That is an answer his mother knows....

I was reminded of the fact that she's gone as I watched my daughter frantically try to control her environment and the people around her, for fear of losing another person she loves.

I was reminded as we drove into the cemetery on Christmas.

I was reminded when I got a letter from the cemetery about special events that they hold for plot owners.  I don't want to own a cemetery plot.

I was reminded as I set up my bills for this year, and one of our paydays falls on Bug's birthday.

I was reminded as I watched the sun go down tonight, marking the end of our first year without her.

I was reminded as my son watched me sleep because I was still and it scared him.  I wonder how long it will scare him to watch someone sleep.

I wonder how many times I will have to answer "I don't know" to questionnaires about various things for the kids.

I wonder if I will be able to let go of my own fear about losing someone else I love.  I see a lot of my own thoughts in my daughter when she gets frantic.

I wonder when I'll be able to make it several days in a row without crying.

I wonder when the veil of sadness will lift..... even a little.....

I wonder when it won't be so hard to smile.

I wonder when it will feel good to be happy.

I wonder how long it will take to stop feeling guilty.

I wonder how long it will be before I can truly feel like I couldn't have somehow changed the outcome.

Here we are.  1 year later.  The shock has worn off, but the sadness persists......  I had hoped I would be further along this grief path by now.