Time is a Funny Thing

The 13th of this month marked what would have been my cousin's 49th birthday.

We are still in Post Hurricane Harvey mode, which is a strange place to be anyway.  My house was fine, and I'm continually surprised by how I've been affected by this storm.  In some ways it was like a metaphor for how I have felt about my life recently.  The storm just kept going.  When we thought it should stop raining it kept raining.  When we were unsure if the water would take us over, it kept raining.  We were prepared for a storm.  We were even prepared for a big storm.  But, like life, we were not prepared for what came.  We found ourselves day after day simply trying to make it through the day, unsure if tomorrow would be a day that took us under, or a day we conquered.  This feeling has lingered, even though the storm has passed.  And, while we were ok, many of our very dear friends were not.  There are several friends who lost everything, and we are just doing what we can to help, all the while feeling inadequate in our ability to help them.

Grief is the same way.  I'll be going along life and thinking I'm beginning to be ok, and then suddenly the water in my eyes begins to rise again and before I know it tears are streaming once again.  It's still raining.  It's not as relentless as it was in the beginning.  I see pockets of sunshine now, and even dry periods, but the storm of grief has not left me yet.

Many days I want to just move out of this storm.  The longer it holds on, the weaker I feel.  I see it creeping into many areas of my life, where it isn't welcome.  Where I used to stand tall and confident, that light is gone.  I feel inadequate in almost every area of my life.  I am scared a lot, and I used to be rather fearless.  Sometimes the fear is justified, but many times it is not.  It simply does not allow me to enjoy the moment for fear of what could happen.  I know I should not rush myself through this, but it is rushing when it feels like so much time has already passed? But, I can't rush myself or even move myself slowly.  I am not in control of this storm.

There are things that never leave me.  Watching my children meticulously clean off their mother's grave marker is one.  This is not something any child should have to do.  As I watched them carefully clean, I found myself grieving for what Bug didn't get to do.  I'm so grateful for the gift of being able to be these kids' mom, but I will never replace her.  (I don't want to).  There is still a hole in their heart, one that I will never fully fill.  Even though they tell me all the time how much they love me, I know I will never really fill that void for them.  It's not my fault that I'm inadequate here, I'm actually not supposed to be able to fill that space completely, because I would never want to erase her from their life, but it still hurts to not be able to do that for them.  I know that there will always be that scar in their life, and mine.  We want better for our children.  We don't want them to emerge from childhood already scarred by life.

But, regardless of what we do, the truth is not one of us goes through this life without scars.

Even Jesus didn't go through life without scars.  Many things we will not understand this side of heaven, but what I do know in my heart is that when we use our own scars to help others, it helps to give those scars a positive purpose.  I often wish things were different, but as I do, I realize that I would be missing out on the things about life as it is that bring me joy.  My daughter is a funny, compassionate soul, who comes behind me and supports me when I need it, and I see in our future an amazing friendship between mother and daughter that I never got to experience with my own mother, and she never got to experience with hers.  We can give that to each other.  My son has changed so much, from a scared, awkward kid, to a young man who is finding his way and his purpose.  Life has not been kind to him in many ways, and he has those scars, which will help him to see the heart of others who often feel misunderstood and lonely.  I spend a lot of time being scared that my children will experience yet another loss, because they have already experienced far more than is fair, but I think God is trying to show me that each piece of our life is part of who we are and whose we are.

When we rely on our human ability to control our environment we will always feel inadequate.

It has been a long, painful lesson in letting go.  It's not over yet.

I'm grateful that the God who created the Universe knows me personally, knows my heart, and never leaves me no matter how much I fail.  When my mouth fails me, He knows my heart.  When my arms fail me, He knows my strength.  When my feet fail me, He knows my way.

"You Know Me" Bethel Music

You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh You know me [repeat]

Nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and You don't miss a thing

You memorize me

The King of the World

If you've read my blog for any period of time at all, you know how much music speaks to me and leads me to worship.  Today is Palm Sunday, so I figured I'd think on the King of the World a little.

I'm doing a Bible Study called "Anchored" and I am really liking it.  It talks about and dives into 7 anxiety relievers; God's Sovereignty, God's Love, The Holy Spirit, God's Word, Obedience, Prayer, and Eternal focus.  I'm on chapter 4, which is about the Holy Spirit.

This week is Holy Week, where we relive in many ways the events that preceded Jesus' death.  It's both a glorious and a deeply sad time for Christians.  It's hard for those of us who love Jesus to walk through those final hours.  But it reminds us of how loved we are.  And, it reminds us that the Holy Spirit was sent as our helper; "Nevertheless, I tell you the truth: it is to your advantage that I go away, for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you.  But if I go, I will send him to you." John 16:7

As we go through our days of triumph and our days of sorrow the Holy Spirit is always with us.  We just need to look around and see how God orchestrates things for us.  That quiet voice that brings you a scripture, or a word when you need it.  That quiet voice that whispers watch this or watch that. 

Sometimes we get so caught up in our thoughts, our beliefs, our desires that we lose sight of what's really there for us.  We take our eyes off of the Trinity and that is when we give into anxiety.  I struggle with this a lot.  Following my cousin's death (and a couple of others that were around the same time) I have a lot of fear inside of me.  I am definitely making progress, but it is still there.  It's there when I hear sirens and know one of my loved ones just left.  It's there when I watch my kids struggle with their own demons.  It's there when my husband puts on his bullet proof vest and walks out to work.  It's there when I lose my cool and yell at the kids before they go to sleep.  It's there when I should be sleeping, but I'm not.  Experiencing a deep loss like this reminds us that we are here temporarily.  And while I know in my heart that God's plan is for me, and that He is Omnipresent, I trust His plans completely, I just wonder how much they will hurt.

When I give in to anxiety I am allowing my eyes to be off of the King of the World.  It's a completely natural and human thing to do, but I know that when I begin to be fearful I need to look to Him for His Peace that Passes All Understanding.

"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!" Romans 8:15

So, I leave you with a reminder, if you ever fall into the trap of fear and anxiety like I do:

King of the World

Natalie Grant

I tried to fit you in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep you safely in between the lines
I try to put you in the box that I've designed
I try to pull you down so we are eye to eye

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Just a whisper of your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When you're the one who made me from the dust

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world

Oh, you set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to me
And you're holding on to me

When did I forget that you've always been the king of the world?
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the king of the world
How could I make you so small
When you're the one who holds it all
When did I forget you've always been the king of the world
You will always be the king of the world

Love, Semalee

When God Calls You...

This past Wednesday, July 27th, was a HUGE day for my family.  It was a day none of us expected to happen in our lives, but yet, it did.  You see, on July 27th we finalized our second adoption, for our Middles!  In my mind, the moment we picked them up was the moment we committed to forever with them, but there is still something about the state saying that we're family forever.  No one can come between us.  We are now legally required to love each other in the morning LOL ;)

Leading up to this day I was surprised at my emotions, because, like I said, I was committed to them from moment one.  However, I found myself relaxing a little.  Fears I didn't know existed were coming to the surface, and I was able to release them.  I also found that I had been holding on to my heart a little, afraid of the what-if, because all we had was the Will saying they were ours.  There was no real threat to our family, but still, in my mind, it wasn't over until it was over.  As I talked with the kids, I learned they had these fears too.  Maybe they knew they had these fears all along, maybe they didn't, but it's a strange thing that adoption does to your heart.  The truth is, they are no more or less my children today then they were a week ago.  If anything had tried to come between us I would have given my life to preserve our bond.  But, now we don't have to explain ourselves to the world, and that is a relief.

The moment the Judge Granted the Adoption

In some ways it was bitter-sweet for me.  It was sort of the closing of a chapter that included my cousin.  She's still with us in spirit, and very much in my heart and mind, but it was still another finalization in the fact that we lost her.  But, it was also sweet because I knew this was what she wanted.  And, it's my honor to give this last gift to my first best friend.  I just can't help but wish we were raising these kids together.  It's funny, a couple of months we talked about her and the kids coming for a visit this summer, and about her considering moving closer so we could do just that.  But, in the end, we get the pleasure of parenting these kids.

This adoption process was a lot different from our previous adoption from the CPS system.  Some things were the same, we still had to have a home study done, which was tedious and stressful, just as the first one was.  It was a little less involved as far as the property was concerned, no fire inspection, no child locks etc, but still stressful.  It's never fun to have someone come in and evaluate your home life.  And, in a family that jokes around a lot, I worried if someone would say something in jest that would be taken seriously!  LOL!  But, the good news is, now I can use this when the kids think I'm being "unreasonable" I can tell them the State of Texas has thoroughly investigated us and we're good LOL!!  It also cost a lost more, as in adopting from CPS is free and this was definitely a few thousand dollars more than free!

Some day I'll write a long detailed post about the things that are the same and the things that are different in the two adoptions. 

People ask me all the time how we're handling having so many kids, and the truth is, when God calls you to do something, He makes it possible.  It's not always easy, but it's not always hard, either.  And if I were to be able to choose the number of kids I had without consequence, this is exactly the number I would chose.  They keep our life full, and loud, and crazy.  They keep us on our toes, and challenge us every day to be better.  They remind us that there is purpose in life.  They remind us daily of how lucky we are to have each other, and have the love that we share.  No, I wouldn't change a thing about my life.  Each of my children are a unique gift, unmeasurable, and unmatchable.

With the Judge after the Adoption

Is God calling you to do something crazy?  Do it!  I will not promise it will be easy, but it will definitely be worth it!

Love,

Semalee

Thoughtful Thursday-Joy in the Morning

Thoughtful Thursday is back!!!!  Since we completed 16 weeks of Making our Homes Like Heaven in 2011, it is now time to return to our usual slot on Thursdays :)

Last week on GratiTuesday I posted to Frosting for the Cause that I was preparing to say good-bye to yet another person in my life because of Cancer.  And, on that same day she did go to be with the Lord.  Last night we had her memorial service at out church.  It was such a beautiful service, and I mean that.  There were tears, yes, because Bev will be dearly missed, but there was more joy than anything.  We know where she is and we rejoice for her.  She taught us all a little about how to love people.  The songs were all joyous and glorifying to God, and we could all hear her voice in our minds saying, "I'm fine, REALLY, I'm fine."  And we know she is.  The whole evening was such a tribute to her.  I was so blessed to be able to be there.

That got me thinking about my own death.  We ARE all dying, you know.  It's something we don't really talk about very often because most of us do not feel ready to leave our loved ones behind.  I'm certainly not, but I have to think about it, and especially lately it seems like there has been so much death in my circle. 

If I were to die tomorrow, there are somethings I would want my friends and family to know.  First, I would want my husband and my children to know that I do not want them to grieve.  They have so much ahead of them, and if they can do anything to honor me, it would be to keep their smiles.  My joy in life comes from those smiles.  I would never want them to lose them.  Second, I would want my husband to know that he saved me.  I really do not know where I would have been in life if it were not for him.  He has been my anchor and I have always known that he married down.  I could not have asked for a better husband.  I mean really.  There is nothing at all I would change.  My children are gifts.  They are so kind, and loving, and I honestly can not put into words how proud I am of them.

Writing all of this makes me think I should write letters to each of them so they have them if something were to ever happen to me......

My close friends also have kept me accountable and been there to love me unconditionally.  This is such a gift.  I have friends whom I know pray for me frequently and there truly, truly is no greater gift a friend can be. 

My church family is just that.  They are extended family.  I can't emulate enough that they are so important to me.  I literally feel like I am home when I walk in the doors of my church.  I know I could walk in that church as broken as they come and I would be loved.  I wish every church were like that.  They aren't, but mine is.

My extended family, my sisters, parents, etc have made me who I am.  You all have had an incredible impact on me, and I am so grateful.  My husband's family has accepted me truly as one of their own and I don't feel like an in-law at all.  My sister in law is more like my sister, mother in law more like my mother.  Thank you.

To my Daddy, Ray.  I would have one final wish for you.  I wish that you would have the joy of the Lord.  I know your heart is broken, and you have so much pain.  I know your unbelief and bitterness comes from that pain.  It is my hearts desire truly, that you would accept Christ as your Savior and let Him cleanse you of that pain.

To my mom:  I have no anger, no resentment, I hold absolutely nothing but love and gratitude for you.  We have had a difficult relationship.  There is no room for guilt in love.  We both did the best we could do, and I love you to infinity. 

To everyone:  Please do not mourn.  Do not be sad.  Go out and enjoy life, love every minute of it and touch people for Christ.  Life is just a blink, separation only temporary.  I'll be waiting.

That's what I would want people to know.  Why do we wait until the end to say these things?  Why don't we tell the people we love today what we would want them to know?  Why don't we let our guard down, let our anger disappear.  In the end, nothing matters but love.  Nothing but love, and God.  Don't wait to tell your loved ones how you feel, don't hold on to resentments and anger.  It only weighs you down.  Believe me, I know.  I've done my fair share.  There is healing in forgiveness, not necessarily for the forgiven, but for the forgiver.  If I were to die today I would want my family to know that no one let me down, no one disappointed me, no one owes me anything, except to be happy and live full lives.

That's what I got from Bev's funeral, there is joy in the morning, as life goes on.  Embrace it, and enjoy it.