Music Monday- You Know Me

Recently I went to a funeral at our church for one of our church family.  The lady who had died was an amazing soul, and such an inspiration to me.  She was always kind, and always had her eyes on the Lord.  I always felt welcome in her presence and, now that she's gone, I wish I had spent more time there.  But, no matter how much time we think we have, the reality is that we don't know the number of our days, and some day they will end.

In the funeral we sang a song called Wayfaring Stranger by Johnny Cash:

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger

Traveling through this world below

There is no sickness, no toil, nor danger

In that bright land to which I go

I'm going there to see my Father

And all my loved ones who've gone on

I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

I know dark clouds will gather 'round me

I know my way is hard and steep

But beauteous fields arise before me

Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep

I'm going there to see my Mother

She said she'd meet me when I come

So, I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

In the line "I'm going to see my Mother" I found myself almost removed from the service and speaking to God, crying out to God for my own mother.  If you've read my blog, you know that my mother and I don't have a relationship.  I could go into many reasons why it is so, and most of them would make it sound like it's all her fault.  And, I'd venture to guess if you were to ask her why we don't have a relationship her reasons would be many and most would lay the blame on me.  And, they'd both be true.  Life has not been kind to our relationship.  But, as I talked with God, He reminded me that even if we don't reconcile here on earth, that we will reconcile in Heaven, because that is when our souls will be able to speak to each other, and we'll truly understand each other.  Here on earth we have a very hard time truly hearing each other's heart and soul.

It's been an incredibly painful thing, and we've missed out on so much together.  But it's also reminded me often of how much I need God.  With God, we don't have to wait for the other side of Heaven for our soul to be understood.  He understand us now.  There is no misunderstanding coming from him.  He KNOWS us.  What a comfort that is.  Do you ever feel misunderstood by others?  Do you truly know that there is someone who understands you, even when no one else does?  It doesn't matter if we understand Him.  And it doesn't matter what we've done.  He sees our heart, our pain, our soul.

You Know Me- Bethel Music

You have been

And You will be

You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You have been

And You will be

And You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

And You are God and You don't miss a thing

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

Cause You are God and You don't miss a thing

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You memorize me

Nothing is hidden from His sight.  He knows every detail of our lives.  We can rest in that.

Love, Semalee

P.S.  Here's Wayfaring Stranger too :)

P.P.S. Here's another version by Ed Sheeran if you're interested :)

Well that was unexpected….

Well, a few months ago I was so excited to receive a letter from my mother saying that she wants to start passing cards back and forth and trying to rebuild our relationship.  I eagerly jumped on the train, so excited that my mother and I might be able to bridge some sort of relationship.  I knew that it would never be the relationship I had longed for, but if we could at least have something I would be grateful.  We’ve sent cards back and forth and even exchanged gifts at Christmas (something we haven’t done for years).  I really felt like we were getting somewhere.  Then this morning my sister tells me that my mother had her will rewritten to give everything to her boyfriend. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  It isn’t that I want my mother’s money.  Actually, she really doesn’t have any at all.  It’s the sentimental stuff that bothers me.  She has the piano I learned to play on.  She has the heirloom Christmas ornaments that belonged to my great grandma.  She has the Grandfather clock that MY grandfather MADE that is supposed to be passed down to me.  She has the tables that my grandpa made out of tree trunks.  Countless items that belonged to my grandparents and great grandparents.  Those items should stay in the family.  None of them are really worth money, and I don’t care about their monetary value.

So, now I’m faced with how to deal with this.  I forgave her for all of the many things she has done over the years that have been hurtful, and it took a lot of work and prayer to get there.  Now I have to start over.  I have a whole new thing to forgive her about.  I am also in a place where, I really am not even sure I want to continue to try to have a relationship with her because there’s constantly something going on that is hurtful to me or my children.

And I wonder, why now?  This is something she’s talked about for years, but has never had the money to get it done.  And she’s known all along how I felt about it.  So why at the same Christmas when she tells me she has no money for Christmas so she’s sending the kids something little (a meat and cheese basket for the boys, for example) does she come up with the money to do this as her Christmas present to her boyfriend?  Why do it and Why tell my older sister?  Why?  Why Why Why?  We were making such progress.

I know for one thing that I will never abandon my children, and in a weird way I’m thankful for all that has happened, because it is what caused me to want to open my heart to my two youngest.  I’m in prayer for peace and forgiveness, and for right now I’m just going to be still.  I’m not going to send anymore correspondence, and I’m going to wait for God to heal my heart and help me to forgive her…..  Again….

Gratituesday-The Light

Last week I was in the dark.  I spoke about having to be in the dark to see the light.  It is true.  I do believe that sometimes God allows us to experience dark so we CAN see the light.  Sometimes the dark lasts a long time.  Sometimes just a short time.  Sometimes are darker than others.

I had an eventful week, I spent the week saying goodbye to my mother.   While she is physically here on the earth, I decided I finally need to come to terms with the fact that the mother who raised me, who was kind, loving and compassionate is actually already gone.  Now, all that remains is a shell of anger and hatred.  I’m sure I have some ownership in that, but most of it is based on lies that she believes.  And, because of that, there is nothing I can do now except grief the loss of my mother and go on.  Any attempts I have made to restore our relationship have been twisted by the alcohol, her boyfriend, and who knows what else to only end up hurting my mother further and I will not participate in that anymore.  So, as someone does when they have a death, I’ve begun looking at my life without her.  And, I’m ok.    Life does go on and praise God for that!

I also heard from my precious teenager whom we’ve been ministering to and she is doing alright.

My husband’s department had a huge budge crisis this week and laid off 25 employees and 97 others were reduced to 32 hour work weeks.  My husband was in the 97.  So, we took a 20% pay cut among other benefits being taken away.  I’m very thankful that he has a job still.  We’ve tightened our already tightened belt and he’s looking for yet another extra job to make up the difference.  My husband is an incredibly hard worker, and I have no fear that we’ll be fine.  But, the cable was shut off immediately and the spending was stopped immediately.  I’m working on cutting the grocery budget down further.  God is good and we’ll be fine.

We got some good news regarding the adoptions this week.  I can’t share details, but let’s just say it is GOOD….

And, we were asked to be Godparents this week!  It was a huge honor to be asked and we’re thrilled!

So, it’s been a rollercoaster of a week.  Which got me thinking.  How would I handle all of these situations without God?  It is really our faith that keeps us going.  Without that we’d be really in the tank right about now, probably feeling sorry for ourselves!

So, this week I am so thankful for God’s provision in our lives and His constant working in our life.  I’m thankful for the security I find in God, that He’ll never leave me, that people just can’t give me.

What are you thankful for?

This post is linked to Heavenly Homemaker for GratiTuesday.

It’s a GratiTuesday post, but it isn’t pretty OR rosy…

I had some things happen this week that brought up some pain.  Pain that I had stuffed down deep in an effort to survive.  Pain I didn’t think anyone could bring up except my mother, but I was wrong.

I’ve posted a couple of times about my broken relationship with my mother.  I’ve not really posted the depth of pain it causes, though.

I haven’t posted that my mother is an alcoholic.

I haven’t posted that even though I know she will hurt me over and over I keep going back like a dog to it’s vomit.

I haven’t posted that every day I pray for her, think of her, and miss her.

I haven’t posted that my kids are hurt by her actions, or  non-actions.

I haven’t posted that she' hasn’t sent anything except cruel letters to me for going on 10 years now.

I have wondered how much I could take.

I have wondered when I would break.

I know now.

I’m broken.

Deeply broken.

I’m not sure how or if I’ll ever recover emotionally.

I doubt everything.

I doubt people.

I doubt myself.

I cry.

And cry.

And cry.

If you have an alcoholic in your life maybe you can relate.  Maybe you know the pain they can cause.  Maybe you too have a messed up relationship with your mother.  Maybe you too have deep insecurity because of it.

I’ve prayed to God to make this better.

I’ve tried to be good enough for her to love me.

I’ve tried to tell her and show her in any way possible that I love her, hoping that it would at some point tug at her heart and make her love me back.

Maybe if I did this she’d love me.

Maybe if I do this she won’t hate me.

Why does she hate me?

Maybe I’m unlovable.

Maybe I’m not worthy.

Maybe everyone really is going to eventually leave me.

Maybe there’s something so deeply wrong with me that I deserve this.

All I’ve ever wanted was to love God, and people.

These are my true feelings.  They’re not pretty.  They’re not wrapped up in neat little packages.  I’m sorry if I’ve deluded you into thinking I have it all together, because I don’t.

I fail.

All the time.

I have 4 children relying on my not to fail.

I love them more than anything in this world, and I’m so scared that someday I’ll go crazy like my mom has and hurt them too.

I can’t let that happen.

I have a husband who is truly amazing.  I mean really.  I watch him from a distance because I know I don’t deserve him.

I don’t know how I got my husband.  And sometimes I push him away by holding on too tight.

I know he’s amazing, and I know he deserves better.

There it is.  That’s my dark place.  That’s where the devil hangs out in my mind and torments me.  These are the things he uses to do so.

Maybe you have a dark place like this.

I’ve heard it said that sometimes you have to find the dark to find the light.

I know that to be true.

I’m in the dark place now, but I’m looking for the light.

I’m looking for God.

I know I’ll find Him, and I’ll come back into the light.

Are you in a dark place?  Are you looking for God?

Don’t give up.  Don’t let go.  Don’t let the devil win.

Alcohol is the devil’s tool to destroying families.  I’m not saying you should NEVER drink, although that is probably the best choice for some, but I am saying it is a tool the devil uses.

Just like our negative thoughts.

Letting the devil use our negative thoughts to destroy us in not really that much different from letting him use alcohol to destroy us.

The destruction is the same, just a different tool.

As for me, I have to understand that my mother is dead to the alcohol.  And I have to accept that and make her dead to me.  I have to separate her actions from my self worth.

God will heal me here, just as He has in the past.

It’s going to take some time, and I might not be blogging much.  I’m thankful I have the season of Lent to reflect on God instead of the world.