Saturday, August 09, 2008

Time for good-bye

Time for Good-Bye
Current mood: depressed

Well, those of you who know me know that I have fought this for years. But the time has come to say good-bye to my mother. My body physically hurts and I go through this. I feel like I could literally crawl out of my skin. I feel pain, but I feel numb. I feel nothing, but I feel sad. I have never felt like this before. Maybe I'm really losing it. I'm trying to pull myself out of it for my kids, but I can't. I just sit and stare.

My mom was rushed by ambulance on Tuesday to LDS hospital and has been in ICU since. My sisters and I were not told until last night (Friday) that she was there. I was pretty pissed about that and hurt, but that was nothing compared to what happened next. I tried to call my mom to tell her I love her and I'm praying for her etc. Todd answered the phone and I asked to talk to my mom. He said, "Who's this?". I said Semalee, he said, "That isn't going to happen". I said, "Ok, is she ok?" He said, "Yeah, she's fine." I said, "OK, is she asleep?", and he said, "NOPE!" and HUNG UP ON ME.

I called my little sister who lives in town and she went to see my mom. She tried to tell my mom that I just wanted to tell her I love her and that I wasn't mad at her and my mom didn't believe her and told her she doesn't want to talk to me.

This is by far the most pain I have ever been in. I feel like I am going to throw up any minute. I had the shakes for 45 minutes last night, and still have a little of them now, though it isn't as bad.

I've written my mother a letter and will either have someone take it to her when she is in a regular room or I will mail it to her. I haven't decided which yet. Here it is:

Dear Mom:

I tried to call to tell you this in person, but since that is not a possibility I decided to write you a letter. I'm hoping that you will read this letter and know that the entire thing is written in love. I write this letter not because I am angry, but because I don't want there to ever be another harsh word between us again. EVER.

I don't know why you are upset with me now, and I can't know if you won't talk to me. But what I do know is that you are my mom, the woman who gave me life, the woman who was there when no one else was. For a time it was just you and I, mom and I still listen to Hellen Reddy's "You and Me Against the World" and have sung it to both of my boys. The time has come for us to say good-bye. I can not put into words how painful this is, but I refuse to fight with you any more. I live in fear every day that something will happen to you and you will pass on without this being resolved between us, possibly not knowing how much I love you. That is more than I can take. So, I want to take a moment now to tell you that I love you so much. You were a wonderful mother to me growing up and you taught me how to be a strong, independent woman. You are a good majority of the reason for who I am today. You were there for me whenever I needed you and you believed in me. I will never be able to express to you how much it meant to me that you got me moved to Kamas for school. I was a rough teenager, but I always loved you. I'm sorry for all of the things I said and did as a teenager. Beyond that, I am sorry for everything that has happened since as well. It has been such an unbelievably painful road for us both. There was a time when we believed in each other even though we didn't see eye to eye. I want you to know I still believe in you. I know your heart, and it is pure. You are a person who loves deeply, and the people around you are better because they know you. I want you to take with you that I am so proud that you were my mother and I would have had it no other way, even now. I will take the good memories with me too, and leave the bad here in the road to be forgotten. I will always love you and will always think of you and you will always be in my prayers. I physically hurt because I have to say goodbye, but I do it because I love you mom, and I wish nothing but happiness for you.

Good Bye.