Jesus I Need You

The People of God Will Care for Orphans. James 1:27 says, “Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.”

People often look at my family, a family who has adopted 4 children in addition to having our own 2 biological children with wonder.  Sometimes we even scare people.  Sometimes we intimidate people.  The sheer size of us can be overwhelming.  (Even to us).....  They think and say lots of things like, "You guys are saints to take in those kids", or "I could never do what you do every day", or "I don't know how you manage with all of those kids", or "I watch you and am amazed that you do it all on a Police Man's salary"......

I'll start with the salary- it isn't a lot, but when God is in control of our bread basket, suddenly 5 loaves feed 5,000.  I really don't know how the math works, but I know that God gave us these children and He will provide for them.  He does not provide for us to go on luxury vacations, or live extravagantly.  I cook most of the time because eating out is very expensive for us.  We save all year for Christmas, and when we go on big vacations we save for several years in anticipation.  We spend more money on time together and experiences than we do stuff.  We do not have one piece of new furniture in our house.  But stuff isn't what is important to us.  And our house is small.  1400 sq feet small.  But it forces us to be together, and I am glad it's small.  (most of the time)..

As for the rest of it, it isn't a pretty picture with a beautiful bow.  It's a very painful one.  The reason my faith is so strong, and that I love God the way I do is because the humans in my life have failed me.  Why do I have such a heart for the orphans?  Because I know what it's like to not have a mother's love.  My children each have stories very different than mine, but I still can relate to their longing.  As their mother now, I can promise them with absolute certainty that I will never leave them.  As long as I can be their mother, no matter how hard they are I will not abandon them.  Having my own difficult children has given me insight into what my parents had to endure when I was a child.  I understand a little more now of what it was like to parent me.  I do not understand how my mother doesn't want me anymore, but I do understand how hard I was to parent.

So, my desire to take care of these kids does not come from some super wonderful part of me.  It comes from deep pain.  It comes from a desire that my children will never feel like I do.

My love for them is sustained by my love for God.  He is my true Rock.  He sustains me and comforts me when I feel alone, or when I feel unloved or unwanted.  He always wants me.  And through His always wanting me I am taught what true love is.



"Jesus I Need You"

Hope be my anthem
Lord when the world has fallen quiet
You stand beside me
Give me a song in the night

Jesus I need You
Every moment I need You
Hear now this grace bought heart sing out
Your praise forever

Beauty for ashes
You find the weak and contrite heart
Shoulder its burdens
And carry it into the light

Remember love
Remember mercy
Christ before me
Christ behind me
Your loving kindness
Has never failed me
Christ before me
Christ behind me

Gotcha Day

Today, 5 years ago, we adopted our babies.  For those who are new to my blog, we went through the foster system and ultimately adopted.  Going in, it wasn't actually our plan to adopt.  You see, when we started the foster journey it was because my cousin was struggling at being able to care for her children.  Being 1500 miles away, I was able to do very little to help her.  So, we decided to get licensed to help other moms and dads here who were also struggling in our area. 

As we were licensed, we were filled with anticipation.  I knew that I had a lot of love to give to children who needed it.  I knew the power of love and believed that with enough love we could move mountains.  And, in a way we do.  These kids came to us broken.  They came to us with various different issues.  We loved them.  And we loved them.  And we loved them.

For years now we have loved them with everything in us.  They have made huge strides and appear as if everything is fine now, but it's not.  Shea still struggles with fears that cause her to try to control people around her, and not let me be the mom.  She still struggles with feeling safe and believing that she will always have enough food to eat.  She's been with us since she was just 5 1/2 months old and still the effects of her trauma affect her.  On the outside, she seems like a very strong  willed little girl, one might think she just needs to be tamed.  But what isn't seen in the fear behind that strength.  What isn't seen is the brokenness that remains.  It doesn't consume her as much as it used to, maybe doesn't define her like it used to, but it's still there.  It still causes her to be a little less resilient to certain things, and causes her to struggle with her own self worth.  She still fights battles others don't understand.  Love isn't enough to just make her all better.  It certainly helps her, but my fantasies about just loving these kids better was just that.  There are lasting effects that we still deal with many years later.  William struggles with self worth very deeply.  No matter how passionately I love him, he still feels unloved at times.  He still feels like he doesn't have value.  I tell him every day just how amazing I think he is, I rejoice with him through his victories, hold him when he falls short, tell him how important he is to my life.  How important he is to everyone around him.  Still he feels as if he isn't valuable.  Somehow lesser.  No matter how much we have overwhelmed him with love we have been unable to rewrite his inner tape.  There is nothing like holding your child who you adore, while he cries and screams that he is not loved.  As I'm holding him, crying with him he is unable to accept my love.  Other times he's full of joy.  We just never know.

Why am I telling you this on Gotcha Day?  Because I believe adoption is so important.  But it's important to know that it's not always easy.  It's important to know it wont all be perfect just because the adoption is final.  It's important to know it will be hard. 

But you know what?  Hard things produce great rewards.  My reward is in knowing he's safe.  He's loved, and I believe he will overcome this.  She's in a place where she can blossom, and be safe as she lives out her life and learns how not to fight with those around her.  No matter what we love these kids.  No matter what I will do everything in my power to keep them safe from harm.  They will be clothed, fed, encouraged.  Some days it takes everything out of me.  Some days I'm filled to over filled with love.

If you have thought about adoption, I want you to know I'm happy to talk to you honestly and frankly about the ups and the downs.  I want to encourage you that it will be hard, but worth it.  I want to implore you to make a difference in someone's life and know that their life will not be the only one changed.  I want to remind you that it is a calling, and when you are called to something, you need to believe that God will take you through it.

Happy Gotcha Day my sweets.

God Can Make Your Past Give Someone Else a Future

"God can make your past give someone else a future"...... 

Christine Caine said those words last night at a concert I attended with 3 dear friends of mine.  Christine Caine and Kari Jobe were both there for their #LiveUnashamed tour.  This night was absolutely overwhelming.  I went expecting a good concert, and a worship experience, but I did not expect to be completely overwhelmed by God.  By the end of the night I was exhausted, but cleansed.

Many of you know I have had a LOT going on over the past few years.  And, specifically in the last 5 months a WHOLE LOT.  People ask me all the time things like, "How are you even surviving?" or say things like,  "I don't know how you get everything done," and I don't actually know the answer for them......  or I didn't....   But, last night Kari Jobe and Christine Caine had a question and answer session before the concert began, and someone asked them the same question- "How do you fit it all in?"  The answer was so simple: 

When God calls you to something, He will give you supernatural power to achieve it.

Long ago God called me to be a mother.  At first, it was just to my oldest son Auston, and then my son Gregory, and that was the biggest joy of my life.  Growing up with a mother who was unable to connect with me for various reasons left me feeling alone a LOT of the time.  Do not misunderstand me, my mother loved me, but we are unable to communicate with one another.  As I grew into an adult the division only became worse.  My mother fights battles that I don't know, and it is very sad.  There is a lot of pain over the years.  Over time that pain became too wide and our relationship with each other all but stopped.  Let me say this, there is never a time in a woman's life when she doesn't need her mom.  You don't grow up and stop needing your mom.  If there's a breakdown, no matter how much pain is there, it still doesn't change anything, you still want your mom.  I lost my mom very close to 15 years ago.  Some days it feels like yesterday, and others it feels like a lifetime.  I do not understand why we had to lose each other.  If I had my choice, it would not be this way.  And before you go thinking it can't happen to you, or that my mom must be some kind of monster, let me assure you she isn't.  She is a wonderful counselor who has helped many, many people, and specifically helped literally hundreds of women escape and heal from Domestic Violence situations.  Many people credit her with saving their life, and they should.  She is absolutely amazing at what she does.

So, why?  There are so many things in this life that we will simply not know the answer to.  I will say, that that void in my life as produced a lot of fruit though. 

"You planned something bad for me, but God produced something good from it, in order to save the lives of many people, just as he's doing today" Genesis 50:20 CEB

Through this brokenness I've learned to truly lean on God.  He is the ONE who sustains me when people fail.  and they do.  I've learned to give love when it hurts.  I've learned about walking away in love.  I've had to trust God and let go.

The disintegration of my relationship with my mother left me with an empty hole, love that had no where to go.  Here we were, living the life, 2 fantastic boys, happy marriage, house, car etc.  We had everything we could want.  But I had an emptiness.  So, I began crying out to God.  And, He told me that we should foster children.  He showed me that there are so many children out there who for one reason or another are not receiving the love they need from their mother just like me.  And, if I could make a difference in just one of their lives, show them God's love, it might help us both.

So, we became licensed for foster care.  And shortly after adopted 2 children....  Well, I say shortly, it was over a couple of years...

And, I began to see the fruits of what Christine Caine said last night: 

"God can make your past give someone else a future"...... 

It's work.  It doesn't come easily.  It's messy.  It's beautiful.

Then, in January of this year we became the proud parents to two more children...

"God can make your past give someone else a future"...... 

Every morning I get up and I'm mom to 6 kids.  It is exhausting.  It's scary.  It's overwhelming.  It's my calling.  I know each day how important it is to be fully engaged (and I fail All.THE.TIME), and I know how much these kids need me.  I know, because I know what it's like to lose your mom.  And I know how it hurts.  And how the hurt never goes away.  But I also know God is the ultimate healer and he will redeem even this in their lives as well.

When we go through hard things we often cry out to God to ask Him to stop the hard things.  Maybe we're doing it wrong.  Maybe we need to let the hard things come, and cry out to God, "God, how would you use this to give someone else a future?".

Love, Semalee

It Hurts, God…. It Hurts….

I’ve said it many, many times.  Being in the foster world is a way to really see God work.  Being part of a foster/adopt family has completely changed my views on life, and God.  But, our story ended with a happy ending.  We got to keep our kids.  We get to see them grow up. 

They’re hard kids.  Some days I’m not sure how much of a “blessing” it is.  That’s the honest truth.  Some days I wonder why we did this because some days I can’t even breathe.  They’re hard.  But they’re ours.  And they ARE a blessing.  And it IS a blessing and a privilege to be their mom.  It is amazing to see Shea light up and love me like she does.  She has some trust issues.  She has some control issues.  But at the end of the day, when I sing my “Mommy loves the Shea Shea” song to her she quiets, gets a peaceful smile, and all is right with my world.  William has anger issues.  He has days when it doesn’t matter what we say or do.  He has days when he’s so angry he hates everyone around him.  He’s hit me, thrown books at my head, screamed at me, you name it.  He’s hurt himself in anger.  It’s scary to see a 3 year old act that way.  But then, when he’s calm and he repeats back to me that Mommy loves him and will always keep him safe it makes it ALL worth it.

I tell you these things not to ask for sympathy.  I have thought on several occasions about other foster/adopt parents out there.  Do they struggle with a lot of the same issues?  Do they wonder if they are the right parents for their kids?  Do they feel like a failure?

I’m going to guess that they do.  Maybe you are one of those.  Maybe you took in kids that were hurt by life more than anyone should be and you planned to love that hurt right out of them.  And, then, several years later, when they’re not “better” you realize that you can’t love that pain out of them, but you can love them through it. 

So, you renew your resolve to never let go.  You tell the again how much you love them.  You cry when they’re not looking.  You feel alone.  You wonder how bad it will get before it gets better.  You take yourself off the list.  You pour everything in to them.  Everything.  And, as you do, other parts of your life begin to suffer.  Other parts of your life have to take a break.  And you find yourself losing a part of your identity.

The truth is, parenting hurt kids is hard.

But, everything worth worthwhile is going to come with difficulty.

You’re changing the future for these kids.

You’re changing the future for the people who will interact with them.

You’re changing your future.

I struggle with trying to look like I’ve got it all together.  Like the fact that the State said I could do this should make me a perfect parent.  It didn’t.  I am far from the perfect parent.  And on some days I’m even far from a good parent.

But I love these kids.

I would do anything to protect them.  I would do anything to heal their hearts.  I would walk through Hell for them.  And that is why God ordained my husband and I as their parents.

But, sometimes, things do not work out with a happy ending.  Sometimes the kids go back to the situation from which they came.  Sometimes the biological parents are healed and it is a good thing for them to go home.  Other times it is not.

One of my best friends is getting ready to return her 3 foster children of 2 years to a bad situation.  She’s loved those kids as her own.  She’s done everything right.  She’s prayed.  She’s loved.  She’s scared.  And, honestly I am too. I can’t find the words to comfort her.  She’s mad at God.  I’m encouraging her to keep the dialogue open with Him.  Tell Him she’s mad.  He understands her feelings more than she does.  She doesn’t get the happy ending.  Her babies don’t get the happy ending.

So, I’ve been on my knees for her.  I can feel my heart breaking as hers is.  I’m scared for her.  I’m scared for the kids.  I’m devastated for her and her family.

When looking for ways to comfort her I came across this book: Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts.  It looks like a good read and I think I’ll probably read it.

But for now, my words to my friend are this:

I don’t know why these kids are going back.  I don’t know what their future is.  But what I do know is this:

For these children you have prayed.  Your prayers are like incense and a fragrance to God.  He has heard your prayers.  He has a plan.  He is always sovereign.  There IS a reason.  It is just not one that we can see or understand.  Maybe we will understand in the future, but for now, we need to trust in Him.  Trust in His Sovereignty.  Trust that He is in control.  Trust that he can take anything and turn it in to good.

You have imparted God’s love in to these children.  You have hidden His word in their hearts.  They have felt true love through your family.  They now know what it means to truly be loved.  They now know that they are worth it.  These are things you have given to them that no one can take away.  They will always know in their hearts the gift of love that You and your family have given to them.

Sometimes we get to see the seed blossom, sometimes we can only sow it.  This is a time of sowing seeds for you.  And you have sown.  You will reap rewards, they will be different that what you had hoped for, but what you have done in these childrens’ lives has not gone unnoticed and has had an impact.  A reaching impact.

I am incredibly proud to have the friends that I have.  I am more than proud, I am blessed.  They challenge me to be better.  They know me and I know them.  I have life long friends who have been there through thick and thin.  I only hope that I can have the right words to help my friend during this difficult time in her life.  I can’t walk through this valley for her, but I certainly can walk with her.

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love" (NLT) Romans 8:38

2011- A Recap!

It’s that time….  Time to start thinking about resolutions again…  but before looking forward, it’s always a good idea to examine from where we came…..

I’ve done this for a few years now…  Here are the recaps for 2010, 2009, and 2008 if you’re interested….  It’s fun to look back and see what I had to say about those years and how much our lives have changed since then!

So, in 2011 we had many exciting things happen,  here’s my recap:

January: 

January began with the anticipation of finalizing our adoptions.  We had just finalized other aspects in court at the end of December, so now we were looking forward to having the CPS chapter of our lives over with.  Shea turned 2 in January, and became even more active and busy than she was before.  People say of their children, “They’re 2 going on 20”…  Well….  Shea actually IS “2 going on 20”.  She’s going to rule the world some day.  Does this give you a bit of a picture of “Shea Speed”?

February:

In February our daughter by heart, Heather, came to stay with us for a little while, before finding out she was pregnant.  She then decided to move in with her sister.  We continued on with the many CPS and ECI visits on our adoption journey.  It seemed that our schedule was only getting more and more full…..

March:

In March Michael was asked to be on the Discovery Team for the church.  Discovery is a spiritual retreat the church puts on every year designed to help you grow deeper in your faith.  It was a big, big commitment, but when Discovery took place in April I think we could all agree it was life changing for the team as well as the pilgrims.  I’m so glad he got to do this.  We also got word from the County that Michael’s department was going to face a major budget cut, including lay offs and pay cuts.  Michael was able to keep his job, but he was reduced to 32 hours a week (resulting in a 20% pay cut), and his schedule was changed.  It was quite frightening knowing our budget was already stretched, and that once the babies were adopted we’d no long receive foster money either, resulting in an even deeper cut.  But, we took the news by hitting our knees in prayer, and, I’m proud to say we made it through.  It wasn’t until December that his pay was reinstated, but God provided for us every step of the way.  Also in March Auston found out that he was elected to the Order of the Arrow in Boy Scouts, which was quite an honor.

April:

In April Auston and Gregory attended a Teen Pact Class in Austin, for which they needed a suit…  They look sharp, huh?

Also in April I was helping Michelle out by watching her kids, here they are in front of the cross on Easter at the church.  It was a bit of an adjustment to have 6 children instead of 4 in tow many days, but I wouldn’t trade the time I got to spend with them, and they with each other.  I knew I couldn’t do it for long, so I just tried to enjoy them while I had them until Michelle found another babysitter. 

May:

In May, Gregory graduated from the Encourager Homeschool Enrichment Program, and turned 12, and was elected Senior Patrol Leader of the troop, Auston completed his Ordeal for the completion of is election into the Order of the Arrow, and was elected Assistant Senior Patrol Leader for the troop, and Calley graduated from Midland Lee High School with HIGH honors.  It was a very very busy month! 

June:

June… Oh June….  In June our family was finalized.  We are now officially Shea and William’s forever family and they ours.  June holds a major importance in our lives now.  It was an incredible way to start the summer

We could not believe how many people came out to our adoption to celebrate our family.  It was amazing to see that these people love our children as much as we do and were just as happy for us.  Really.  Words can’t describe how much it meant to us to have everyone there.  It made the day what it was supposed to be.  About community and love.  And sharing that love.

Seriously.  Do you see how many people were there to support us?  Could we be any luckier?  Even the judge was taken a back by the volume of people….

We are sooooo blessed….

It was a good day

Also in June, Semalee’s Oma, Lois Cook passed away.  She is dearly missed.

July:

In July Semalee went to Boy Scout Summer Camp with the boys again.  This year we headed back to Oklahoma, to Camp Hale.  It was an eventful trip, to say the least, complete with a broken down trailer and 3 out of 4 of the adults getting the flu the last night there and driving home sick…..  Blech….  Again I say, if they say I wasn’t a good mom, they need to read these recaps….    We also had a party to celebrate the adoptions, and had a special service at our church.  It was strange to realize that at that service the adoptions felt so much more real to us then they did in court.  We are so blessed by our church family as well. 

As if that wasn’t enough, Michael and I celebrated 15 years of marriage.  Weird to think after all this time I still love him with everything in me, and even weirder that he still loves me

August:

In August Auston spent 2 weeks at Camp Eagle as part of the service team.  It was sooooo weird to have him gone for that long.  And when he came back he was quite different.  My boy is growing up so fast.  The rest of us just tried to relax as best as we could, and started preparing for the school year.  Auston is doing 10th grade and Gregory is doing a majority of work from 8th grade…

September:

Mikey turned 40 in September…  FORTY….  Man he’s old~!!!!    I did not make this cake, my friend Terri did, and she did a great job.  We spent September getting ready for Terri’s wedding and settling into school for the year.  I made the wedding cake for Terri and Jeff’s wedding.  While I was happy with how it turned out, I’m not interested in making another wedding cake…… ever……

Michael was spoiled with a birthday MONTH instead of just one lousy day

October:

And in a blink it was October.  Our daughter by heart gave birth to our Granddaughter by heart, Makinzee just a few days before Auston turned 15.  Auston got his learner’s permit, and I am scared to death of the big 1-6 and him driving BY HIMSELF….. 

I also went to Women of Faith in San Antonio with my very dear friend Gwenn.  It was a wonderful experience, one we hope to repeat annually

November:

Michael was able to go to St. Louis for an Affected Coworker’s retreat with COPS in November.  He was really glad he went.    And, Semalee turned 37, and William turned two   We shared a birthday party with Zeny, who turned 3 a few days after William’s birthday.  I made a Dora and Diego cake for their birthday….

December:

And, before we knew it we were in December.  It was to be our first Christmas knowing that we had these babies forever.  Much anticipation preceded the event   We’d all done some growing since last year, and we were all breathing a little easier.  Shea got over her fear of Santa, for which we were so grateful for, since we had tickets to ride the Polar Express!  We cut down our tree at our favorite tree farm, and maintained as much of our traditions as possible amidst our crazy busy schedule.  Christmas day brought a visit from Heather and Makinzee, and some much needed rest.

As we look forward to 2012, we have so much to be thankful for this year.  Yes…. soooo much to be thankful for.  I can’t even imagine how 2012 could top 2011….  but with Michael and Auston planning a mission trip to Sri Lanka there’s some potential

 

From our family to yours, we hope your year has been wonderful as well!  May God bless you in 2012!

Thoughtful Thursday- Awesome God

I’m just amazed by God right now.  I’ve said a thousand times that you can’t be a Christian and be in the foster/adopt world without seeing God.  It’s just not possible.  You all know our adoption story pretty much now.  We watched God work in BIG ways through our process.  There were several other places our daughter was “supposed”to go that all fell through so she could be with us.  I truly believe that God always meant for her to be with us.  We never felt like we were babysitting, or like she belonged anywhere else.  We always felt like she belonged with us …  And we believe that our son, Will (named for being the physical will of God in our lives, and also after my very close friend and my dad) was born at exactly the right moment to make things happen for Shea to stay with us.  He was even born early, and we do not think that was an accident We went from being told after court our daughter would be leaving us within the next 2 weeks to go live with the family CPS chose for her to FOUR DAYS LATER being told she was staying with us and we won a bonus baby in the bonus round LOL.

I would not trade one moment in the valley because we would not have see God’s work so clearly.

Now one of my best friends has gotten her foster care license.  I’m so excited for them, and scared too.  The foster care world is a cruel place.  But I mean what I said above, and that is what I hope I can convey well to my friend as well.  She’s already had a piece of the valley with 2 placements falling through..  but now she’s about to receive her first placement.  And it’s a doozy!  THREE at one time!  This will be the ride of their life, but if they watch for it, I know they’ll see God.  In fact, I’m pretty sure they’ve already seen just a touch of what HE can do

I have another friend who has had a foster child for about a year now.  They recently went into court in a very similar situation to ours.  They went in knowing CPS was not going to recommend their foster daughter stay with them.  They asked all of their friends and family to pray a similar prayer to what we asked for- God’s will, and that if the people in the court room tried to direct this child in a place other than where God wanted her, that God would intervene.  He did.  He showed up BIG.  And they are now beginning the adoption process!

If you feel a tug in your heart to foster, consider it.  Know that it will not be an easy ride.  Maybe even still after the adoption.  You may end up with a child with a difficulty like SPD, or something like I did.  I can’t promise you much, but I can promise you it will be exciting.  And, I also know that if you look for God, no matter what the circumstances, you’ll see Him.  It doesn’t always turn out the way we want, but it turns out the way He wants.

Thoughtful Thursday- Sensory Processing Disorder

My daughter has been diagnosed with SPD, or Sensory Processing Disorder.  What this means in a nutshell, is that her Sensory system is all out of whack.  There are many faces of SPD, some are more extreme than others, and some are more difficult to manage than others.  Many children will have different areas present themselves.  These areas are: tactile, auditory, olfactory and oral defensiveness, as well as proprioceptive and vestibular dysfunction.  My daughter has some auditory, olfactory, proprioceptive and vestibular.  What this means is that what works today to calm her might not necessarily work tomorrow, or in 5 minutes for that matter.

Often her sensory issues will present themselves in behavior problems.  This is particularly difficult, because, it isn’t completely her fault that she’s acting this way, but I can’t allow her to continue the bad behavior either.  This leads to frustrated momma and child.

Lately she’s been on what I call a “Sensory High”, where she’s been extremely overactive.  When she’s on one of these, she’ll act out constantly during her awake times.  She’ll also tell me that she hurts- my back hurts, my toe hurts, my eyes hurt…… etc…  everything hurts at one moment or another.  Her clothes have to sit on her a certain way, and often the seatbelt will be particularly bothersome to her.  We can be driving along and she will suddenly burst out in a scream because her seatbelt is bothering her.  Try that for distracted driver!  It’s difficult to deal with at best.

The acting out is bothersome, but the worst part is that she often goes for danger.  Sunday morning at 4am I heard the back door close.  I got up to see if one of the older boys was letting the dogs out or something and my 2 year old daughter was in the back yard back by the trees!  Talk about a heart attack!  She never went back to sleep.  When she’s on a high, often sleep doesn’t happen like normal.  Before I knew what was going on with her I would jokingly say that the only child proof room for her was a padded cell.  This is, unfortunately not far from the truth.  She’s almost 3 and still puts everything in her mouth, and often times it’s something yucky.  I’ve learned to let go of most of my fears of her eating something bad because I just can’t watch her constantly.  I’ve got to give it to God and do the best I can.  And she’s fast.  Whatever she’s doing, particularly if it’s something she’s not supposed to, she’s super fast. 

All of these things make us on constant alert with her, and that’s hard.  It’s exhausting.  It’s frustrating.  I feel like a terrible mom.  A Lot.  But the absolute worst part-

My daughter will often go days without peace.  You know when you see your child playing by themselves and there’s just a peace about them?  You know when babies sleep how they look so peaceful?  Often she will not have that.  Even when she’s sleeping her eyebrows are raised, her body is tense. It’s awful.  I mean just awful.  I can’t do anything to give her that peace that she needs so much.  I can only try the things the therapists recommend.  And what works today might not work tomorrow.  What works tomorrow might not work later that day.  It all depends on what sensory system is being set off.

I know there are times when I’m out in public with my daughter and people are staring because she’s acting out.  I’m sure they’re thinking one of two things- either that kid needs a spanking, or geez that mom needs to take a chill pill!  That too depends on the day. 

There is nothing more defeating than not being able to help your child.

So, I do what I can.  Of course we pray constantly that God will heal her heart.  We are grateful that she doesn’t have other lasting consequences of the drug exposure.  And, I try to have the conversation with her often that I love her even when we’re having a bad day.  Today I decided to start something new for just she and I.  I told her I will love her always and forever no matter what.  Then I told her to put her finger to mine and we’ll say together, “Always and forever”…  That will be our sign that no matter what, through thick and thin, we’ll always be there for her.  I also tell her that I love her just as much when she’s disobedient as I do when she’s obedient.  Yes, she’s 2.  But I’m telling you this kid is S.M.A.R.T.  and she KNOWS what I’m saying. 

So, if you think about us, say a little prayer for us that we can find some consistent ways to give our daughter a little peace in her heart.

Thoughtful Thursday- Adoption Story Part 9

If you’ve been following along so far, it’s been a wild ride!  Nearly 2 years after Shea came to our home and 18 months after William came we finally went before the judge to finalize the adoptions.  It was so important to us that they have this day to share with each other.  We really pushed to have their adoptions take place the same day, and now we were able to realize that goal!

The day of the adoption was an amazing day.  We invited our close friends and family to share with us, and were so blessed by all who came….

Before we went into the courtroom our attorney took us into a room to sign papers and go over what was going to happen.  He verified information with us, and told us he was going to ask me the bulk of the questions.  He went through the questions he was going to ask us as we testified.  I remember him telling me the answer to all of the questions is “Yes” except the first question when he asked my name.  He told me not to freeze up on my name.  I laughed and he smiled.  When we got before the judge and he asked me to state my name----- ALL I COULD THINK OF WAS YES!!!  LOL  I finally remembered my name and we went on with the testimony

I have no idea how long the whole process took because it’s still a blur to me.  I just remember the judge commenting on how lucky these babies were to have us and so many people who love them…

Can you believe that crowd?  It was truly amazing…..

But, this story is not complete without me telling you about Shea’s first foster family.  Over the almost 2 years from when Shea came to our home until our adoption there was not one person who I felt truly understand where we were with her than Dave and Misty.  Misty has been my friend and my should through this whole process.  Dave and Misty have been supportive to us, and in my heart and mind are Shea’s other mom and dad.  With the finalization of our adoption we didn’t just gain 2 babies, we gained more than that.  We gained Dave and Misty and the kids too.  I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through all of the scary parts without Misty, and I can’t even put in to words how much their continued support and friendship means to us.  We owe where Shea was in her healing to them, and we understand that she experienced a loss when she left their house to come to ours and we are so glad we are able to continue a relationship with them.  It’s good for Shea, it’s good for them, it’s good for us.

So, this concludes our foster story, but the real fun is just beginning   It’s now been about 6 weeks since the finalization, and we had a service at our church praising God for the gifts of these two babies.  It now is beginning to feel real.  Just today I got a call from the therapy place and their names are now changed with Medicaid.  In just a few short months we’ll get their new birth certificates.  And, as I get ready to start planning for Christmas, I don’t have to worry about court, or CPS, or wonder if they’ll even be with us.  They will!  Forever.  I’ve finally started telling them we’ll be there for them forever, never could do that before.  And, as time goes by I am noticing more and more walls come down as I’m able to be their mom the way I know in my gut is right, not worrying about what CPS says is right.

Yes, it’s good to be a family of six.