Music Monday- You Know Me

Recently I went to a funeral at our church for one of our church family.  The lady who had died was an amazing soul, and such an inspiration to me.  She was always kind, and always had her eyes on the Lord.  I always felt welcome in her presence and, now that she's gone, I wish I had spent more time there.  But, no matter how much time we think we have, the reality is that we don't know the number of our days, and some day they will end.

In the funeral we sang a song called Wayfaring Stranger by Johnny Cash:

I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger

Traveling through this world below

There is no sickness, no toil, nor danger

In that bright land to which I go

I'm going there to see my Father

And all my loved ones who've gone on

I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

I know dark clouds will gather 'round me

I know my way is hard and steep

But beauteous fields arise before me

Where God's redeemed, their vigils keep

I'm going there to see my Mother

She said she'd meet me when I come

So, I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

I'm just going over Jordan

I'm just going over home

In the line "I'm going to see my Mother" I found myself almost removed from the service and speaking to God, crying out to God for my own mother.  If you've read my blog, you know that my mother and I don't have a relationship.  I could go into many reasons why it is so, and most of them would make it sound like it's all her fault.  And, I'd venture to guess if you were to ask her why we don't have a relationship her reasons would be many and most would lay the blame on me.  And, they'd both be true.  Life has not been kind to our relationship.  But, as I talked with God, He reminded me that even if we don't reconcile here on earth, that we will reconcile in Heaven, because that is when our souls will be able to speak to each other, and we'll truly understand each other.  Here on earth we have a very hard time truly hearing each other's heart and soul.

It's been an incredibly painful thing, and we've missed out on so much together.  But it's also reminded me often of how much I need God.  With God, we don't have to wait for the other side of Heaven for our soul to be understood.  He understand us now.  There is no misunderstanding coming from him.  He KNOWS us.  What a comfort that is.  Do you ever feel misunderstood by others?  Do you truly know that there is someone who understands you, even when no one else does?  It doesn't matter if we understand Him.  And it doesn't matter what we've done.  He sees our heart, our pain, our soul.

You Know Me- Bethel Music

You have been

And You will be

You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You have been

And You will be

And You have seen

And You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall

When I come or go, You see it all

You hung the stars and You move the sea

And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

And You are God and You don't miss a thing

And nothing is hidden from Your sight

Wherever I go, You find me

And You know every detail of my life

Cause You are God and You don't miss a thing

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh, You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

You memorize me

Nothing is hidden from His sight.  He knows every detail of our lives.  We can rest in that.

Love, Semalee

P.S.  Here's Wayfaring Stranger too :)

P.P.S. Here's another version by Ed Sheeran if you're interested :)

Thursday Thoughts: The Comparison Trap

Recently I've taken a break from social media.  It's now been more than a month that I've been off social media and I've learned a few things.

It's all too easy to get caught up in the world of social media and forget that what goes on there is pretty far from reality.  I know that it is a way to keep in touch with people, but how often do we use it as a crutch to believe that we are staying in touch, when really we aren't.  We're just looking in on someone's life, but still keeping a distance.  There's not a place on our Facebook wall where we can sit together and talk about the things that really are bothering us.

What really got me convicted to take a break was the change I was seeing in myself.  I have always been a person who truly enjoys seeing my friends have a good time, even when it didn't include me. It really has been a thing that doesn't bother me.  But lately, I find myself in a sort of "in between" stage.  I think it has some to do with the fact that I have adult children and teen age children and young children.  Because of this dynamic, I often don't feel like I truly "fit" with any group. My friends who have children my adult children's ages are now entering the empty nest time in their lives and don't have the worries of the 7 and 8 year old life that we do.  My friends who have young kids my Littles' ages are much younger than we are and have a totally different take on many things as a result.  I have some friends who have teenage kids, but the teenage years are so difficult with time being so scarce that there's not a lot of room to connect there either.

And, I'm also finding that being a mom of adult kids who are going out into the world and living their own lives is much harder than I anticipated.  So much of my life has been all about them, and now their lives are (rightfully so) not about me.  I miss my boys.

These things have worked together to knock down my self esteem a bit.  As this has happened, I've begun looking at Facebook differently.  I've noticed more where I don't seem to stack up to others.  My friends get together and instead of me being happy about it for them, I'm feeling sorry for myself, and wondering why I wasn't invited.  I've lost my sense of true identity, because I allowed Facebook/Instagram/SnapChat etc to define it for me instead of the One who truly loves me and knows me.

I was reading a devotional in the Bible app recently called "People of the Second Chance".  There was a quote in there that really hit me to the core, and I think it is well worth repeating.  It was, "My truest, nonnegotiable identity is the beloved.  And in spite of my checkered past, my fabulous flops, my painful history, my deepest flaws, my boneheaded screw-ups, and yes, even beyond my own beliefs about myself, I am God's beloved.  This is my foundational identity of every human being.

"This is important because identity is the engine that dries the relationship not only with ourselves, but also with God and others.  If your identity is broken, your life is broken.  If you define it incorrectly, you will carry that wrong definition into your story.  if all you see are your limitations, you will miss out on the stunning possibilities God is creating in front of you."  I assume more can be found in his book, People of the Second Chance: A Guide to Bringing Life-Saving Love to the World

This really spoke to me, though.  You see, one thing I will never claim to be is perfect.  One thing I do not have is "it all together".  I'm just like any other wife and mom out there who spends time bouncing between overwhelmed and barely getting by most of the time.  I have deep regrets as a mom, things I wish I could do over, ways I wish I could better show my kids how much I love them.  I have deep regrets as a wife, ways that I have not been a good partner to my husband, times when I didn't give him the grace he deserved.  I have deep regrets as a child, things I've said, and ways I've acted out towards my parents, and most particularly my mother.  I have failed in many ways at being a good friend, too.  I've said things that hurt my friends, that were not intended to do so, but still did.  You can't unsay things once they've been said.  All of these people are people who I love so dearly, yet I have made mistakes.  And now, as a mother in law, I find myself failing in many ways there too. I am human.  I am far from perfect.  And the people who I love are also human.  We fail.  All of us.  It's just one of the reasons we need God so much.  Because, we need to know in our deepest darkest failings that our core identity has not changed.  We are Beloved.

So, for now, I will keep my eyes less on the things on social media and more on the things in my Bible.  I will spend the month of November as I have for many years, remembering what I'm grateful for, and not what I lack.  I will do my best to forgive others when they are human and I will also try to forgive myself.  I will try to see the world with the eyes of Jesus, and see the wonder of it all.

What about you?  Do you find yourself getting caught up in the comparison trap of social media?  Do you need to take time to refocus as well?  What are ways you keep yourself in check?

Love, Semalee

Sprinkle Forgiveness Around like Confetti

Have you seen it?  It's a very popular meme:

I was sitting in church on Sunday listening to the sermon.  I was, to be honest a little distracted for whatever reason.  My mind was swirling with words.  God was speaking to me both through the sermon and in addition to the sermon.  The sermon was entitled, "Do you Really See Me?".  Father Bruce was talking about how God sees us where we are.  He sees us for we are.  He sees us for who we are to become.  He does not think with limiting thoughts like we do, but sees us through the lens of who we can become.

Then our Pastor asked a question: "Does the Christ in you see and experience the Christ in me?"

Whoa.

How many times do I respond in pain or anger, hurting someone with my actions or words?  Sure, they hurt me, and deeply, but the greater sin here is that I let my pride say it was ok to respond shortly, or bluntly because I was speaking the truth.  No matter what they have done to hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I should not be allowing my pain to do the talking. 

Pain fuels anger.  Pain is important, and righteous anger is one thing, but it also has a tendency to cloud our judgement, fueling pride that our actions are somehow justified because we are hurt.

Does the Christ in you see and experience the Christ in me?

The Lord spoke to me during the sermon, telling me that I need to make amends to those who I have hurt.  He said their part in it has no bearing.  I am to simply apologize......

That I need to Sprinkle Forgiveness around like Confetti.

Then, I was doing my bible study this morning on Anxiety, and I read this:

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are.  The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him" 1 John 3:1

One of my issues is that I often feel misunderstood, particularly by my family who are not believers.  And I am.  And it is often hard for me not to take it personally, and have it affect my own feeling of self- worth.  If my family thinks this of me, I must be etc....  But the thing is, they WILL often misunderstand me because they do not know Christ who is in me.  It is my job to do what the Lord tells me to do (sprinkle forgiveness around like confetti) and pray for their salvation.  But it isn't my job to try to convince them of who I am.  They are not seeing with open eyes.  And not just my family, but my friends on social media and in real life.  Why do I look to them for validation, when the one I should be looking to is God.  It is God who gently prompts me to act differently and to be the person He knows is my potential.  No man on this earth knows that, and I need not look to them for direction.

So, God issued a directive to me to make amends with those I know I've hurt before Easter.  I will be putting my feet where my faith is and doing this.  I'd be lying if I were to say I'm nervous of the outcome.  But one thing I have learned without question in my life is that I am always surprised at how God works when I'm simply obedient to Him.

Love, Semalee

It Hurts, God…. It Hurts….

I’ve said it many, many times.  Being in the foster world is a way to really see God work.  Being part of a foster/adopt family has completely changed my views on life, and God.  But, our story ended with a happy ending.  We got to keep our kids.  We get to see them grow up. 

They’re hard kids.  Some days I’m not sure how much of a “blessing” it is.  That’s the honest truth.  Some days I wonder why we did this because some days I can’t even breathe.  They’re hard.  But they’re ours.  And they ARE a blessing.  And it IS a blessing and a privilege to be their mom.  It is amazing to see Shea light up and love me like she does.  She has some trust issues.  She has some control issues.  But at the end of the day, when I sing my “Mommy loves the Shea Shea” song to her she quiets, gets a peaceful smile, and all is right with my world.  William has anger issues.  He has days when it doesn’t matter what we say or do.  He has days when he’s so angry he hates everyone around him.  He’s hit me, thrown books at my head, screamed at me, you name it.  He’s hurt himself in anger.  It’s scary to see a 3 year old act that way.  But then, when he’s calm and he repeats back to me that Mommy loves him and will always keep him safe it makes it ALL worth it.

I tell you these things not to ask for sympathy.  I have thought on several occasions about other foster/adopt parents out there.  Do they struggle with a lot of the same issues?  Do they wonder if they are the right parents for their kids?  Do they feel like a failure?

I’m going to guess that they do.  Maybe you are one of those.  Maybe you took in kids that were hurt by life more than anyone should be and you planned to love that hurt right out of them.  And, then, several years later, when they’re not “better” you realize that you can’t love that pain out of them, but you can love them through it. 

So, you renew your resolve to never let go.  You tell the again how much you love them.  You cry when they’re not looking.  You feel alone.  You wonder how bad it will get before it gets better.  You take yourself off the list.  You pour everything in to them.  Everything.  And, as you do, other parts of your life begin to suffer.  Other parts of your life have to take a break.  And you find yourself losing a part of your identity.

The truth is, parenting hurt kids is hard.

But, everything worth worthwhile is going to come with difficulty.

You’re changing the future for these kids.

You’re changing the future for the people who will interact with them.

You’re changing your future.

I struggle with trying to look like I’ve got it all together.  Like the fact that the State said I could do this should make me a perfect parent.  It didn’t.  I am far from the perfect parent.  And on some days I’m even far from a good parent.

But I love these kids.

I would do anything to protect them.  I would do anything to heal their hearts.  I would walk through Hell for them.  And that is why God ordained my husband and I as their parents.

But, sometimes, things do not work out with a happy ending.  Sometimes the kids go back to the situation from which they came.  Sometimes the biological parents are healed and it is a good thing for them to go home.  Other times it is not.

One of my best friends is getting ready to return her 3 foster children of 2 years to a bad situation.  She’s loved those kids as her own.  She’s done everything right.  She’s prayed.  She’s loved.  She’s scared.  And, honestly I am too. I can’t find the words to comfort her.  She’s mad at God.  I’m encouraging her to keep the dialogue open with Him.  Tell Him she’s mad.  He understands her feelings more than she does.  She doesn’t get the happy ending.  Her babies don’t get the happy ending.

So, I’ve been on my knees for her.  I can feel my heart breaking as hers is.  I’m scared for her.  I’m scared for the kids.  I’m devastated for her and her family.

When looking for ways to comfort her I came across this book: Trusting God: Even When Life Hurts.  It looks like a good read and I think I’ll probably read it.

But for now, my words to my friend are this:

I don’t know why these kids are going back.  I don’t know what their future is.  But what I do know is this:

For these children you have prayed.  Your prayers are like incense and a fragrance to God.  He has heard your prayers.  He has a plan.  He is always sovereign.  There IS a reason.  It is just not one that we can see or understand.  Maybe we will understand in the future, but for now, we need to trust in Him.  Trust in His Sovereignty.  Trust that He is in control.  Trust that he can take anything and turn it in to good.

You have imparted God’s love in to these children.  You have hidden His word in their hearts.  They have felt true love through your family.  They now know what it means to truly be loved.  They now know that they are worth it.  These are things you have given to them that no one can take away.  They will always know in their hearts the gift of love that You and your family have given to them.

Sometimes we get to see the seed blossom, sometimes we can only sow it.  This is a time of sowing seeds for you.  And you have sown.  You will reap rewards, they will be different that what you had hoped for, but what you have done in these childrens’ lives has not gone unnoticed and has had an impact.  A reaching impact.

I am incredibly proud to have the friends that I have.  I am more than proud, I am blessed.  They challenge me to be better.  They know me and I know them.  I have life long friends who have been there through thick and thin.  I only hope that I can have the right words to help my friend during this difficult time in her life.  I can’t walk through this valley for her, but I certainly can walk with her.

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love" (NLT) Romans 8:38

Walk By Faith

Recently our pastor preached a sermon about a beautiful gem that she saw in Tiffany’s.  She spoke about how every angle that you looked at it there was a new sparkle, and how it drew you in with it’s complex beauty.  She then brought it around to the Bible.  She said, as she looked at that beautiful gem, and how it’s beauty changed constantly with different lights, different angles, different times of day, that it reminded her of God’s word. The Bible, she explained is just like that gem- it’s complex beauty is constantly changing as you look at it from different angles, in different light, and at different times of the day.

This stuck with me like glue.  How many times have I read over a passage of scripture and at that moment in time it hits me in a TOTALLY different way then it ever has before.  The way I understand the passage is greatly affected by the angle I look at it from (what sort of a mood I am in, or what is going on in my life), the different light (new things I have learned lately about this crazy adventure of life), and at what time of day (or what season of life I am in).  It is something that has always fascinated me.  It is also a reason I have so enjoyed being in Bible Study- because others’ interpretation of the same passage will be affected by the same things, and if you’re willing to have a listening heart you can learn so much through  others’ experiences.

Which brings me to today….  This is the passage that hit me differently today:

How many times have we said this?  How many times have we read this?  It is a very popular passage…..

Here’s how it hit me today:

In relationship with other Christians, we should walk by faith, not by sight.

We have to live in this world with other people.  Our families are full of people.  Our communities are full of people.  Our churches are full of people.  People hurt people.  Sometimes it is intentional, sometimes it isn’t.  Sometimes it just happens. 

How quickly do we get our feelers hurt and respond in anger?  How quickly do we allow our anger to dictate our next move?  When you have a problem with someone, you should go to them and resolve your differences.  You can not resolve any differences as long as you are allowing anger to control you.

In relationship with other Christians, we should walk by faith, not by sight.

How often are we hurt by others and we forget our relationship with them and it changes everything? 

It is a difficult practice to Walk by faith and not by sight in relationship.  You will get hurt, because people hurt people.  But here’s why I think it’s important to make it a goal:

Our perceptions are what they are- we believe the sky to be blue, the grass to be green, water to be wet.  Is this how God views these things?  Is the sky blue to Him?  Is the grass green?  Is water wet?  We don’t know, because we are not God.

As humans, we see varying degrees of sin- gluttony, for example is not as bad as murder.  White lies are not as big of a deal as other lies. Coveting your neighbor’s house is not as big of a deal as stealing their bench.  You get the idea.

God sees sin as sin.  Period.  It doesn’t matter what value we, as humans place on the sin, to God, it is sin.  Sin is sin is sin.

And that, I believe is part of how He is able to heal ANY sin, and to forgive, through Jesus ANY sin.  Because to God, we are all equal.  His love for us is not based on works, it is grace based.  He loves us first because we are His creation.  So often we hear of people who feel they have gone so far away from God that there is no coming back, and that is simply not true.  God loves, forgives, heals the murderer, just as he loves, forgives, heals me, the glutton (among other sins).  Why?  Because God works by faith, not by sight.  He has faith is who He knows us to be.  He allows us to make mistakes.  He allows us to suffer consequences and learn from our mistakes.  But he never lets our mistakes dictate His relationship with us.

And so, in our journey to be as Christ is to the world, we, as Christians, must sometimes walk by faith, and not by sight in relationship with others.  We need to have faith in those who have hurt us that they are a work in progress, just like we are.  We need to guard our pride, and try not to measure the “sin factor” of someone’s actions, and trust God, that He is in control, and He does have a plan.

Has someone done something recently that hurt you?  I challenge you to ask God to help you to see that person as He does.  He loves us all and loves all of us.  We should be quick to love those around us.

Remember my life verse for this year? 

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

In Relationship, Walk by Faith, Not by Faith

I just love God and how he can take anything and make something good out of it.  We simply have to have faith

Thoughtful Thursday- The Gift of Reconciliation

Reconciliation.  Forgiveness.  God’s been working on me for a while in this area.  One thing He’s been teaching me, is that I can’t control everything.  I am a control freak when it comes to my relationships.  I have no idea why.  I don’t know if it’s because I had some things happen to me growing up that made me fear loss, or if it’s just because I’ve got a type A personality, or maybe it’s that I’m not a strong person, but try to make it appear as I am through my façade of strength in my relationships?  I don’t know, really. 

I do have a great fear of loss, and that has done some weird things to me over my life.  When I was younger I would attach to friends or boyfriends *gasp* too quickly.  I would be completely heartbroken if they didn’t seem as attached to me as I was to them.  Especially then, I think I was looking for acceptance.  But, I was looking in the wrong place.

As I’ve gotten older, some things have happened to me that have tested my theories on relationships.  I’ve had some friendships that I thought were forever friendships turn into “for a time” friendships.  I’ve had some major conflict with my mother.  I’ve had conflicts with close friends.  I’ve even had someone whom I loved as a daughter leave without reason.   And, in the process of adopting my two youngest children I’ve had to deal with emotions towards their birth parents, and forgiving them, so that I can be a better parent and help my children heal from their own hurts.

Most especially through my trials with my mother, but also with the others I have really been taught about forgiveness.  When you are growing up you learn that you forgive someone when they say they are sorry.  But as life happens to you, you learn that often forgiveness needs to come before someone tells you they’re sorry.  This has been an interesting lesson to learn, but I believe it is part of God’s refining fire.  Is it easy to forgive someone before they’re sorry?  NO!  But the peace that you get in your heart is so worth it.

I think that often we miss the gift of reconciliation because we’re waiting for the person who hurt us to be sorry before we forgive them.  Where I finally came around with my mother to forgiveness, and I mean true forgiveness  not just lip service to that fact, was I realized that, even though she had hurt me deeply, I loved her still.

 “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins”- 1 Peter 4:8  As we studied this verse last year in bible study I really pondered what it meant.  And, to me, it meant that we can overlook some things because of love.  It meant that we are all created imperfect.  To me it meant it was OK for me to be imperfect.  This, coupled with “Love each other deeply, from the heart”- 1 Peter 1:22 made me ponder what love means.

Where I went from here with God, is that if I hold unforgiveness in  my heart towards someone, I am asking God to pour out His wrath on that person because He has promised to make everything right and fight my battles for me.  And, if I truly love someone, deeply, from the heart, do I really want God’s wrath poured out upon that person?  No, no matter what, I do want that person to have peace.  This brought me to a place of desperation for my mother.  I couldn’t help but beg God for forgiveness myself, for my thoughts toward her.  And I found a place where I could forgive her, truly forgive her.

I do not believe that the timing of her letter was an accident.  I needed to come to a place of true forgiveness on my end before any reconciliation could take place.  I am learning through other people with whom I’ve had conflict that this is often the case.  And, when the gift of reconciliation comes, it is that much more sweet, because the forgiveness part is already done