Lenten Reflections

Every year as Lent approaches I feel weary from the busy-ness of the holiday season and getting back into the grove afterward…  I find myself longing for some time for reflection, and drawing back to God.  It always seems to come just when I need a recharge….

And this year is no different.  The Fall/Winter season has left me overwhelmed and tired.  I came down with Shingles in November and it seemed to never end….  By the time I was coming out of the fog that the Shingles and the medicine for them put me in I was surrounded by loose ends and things left undone or done wrong.  As I type this I am still feeling behind in the things I usually try to stay on top of….  I’m surrounded by a mountain of laundry, and many other chores that have not gotten the attention they need…

But the household chores aren’t the only things that have not gotten the attention that they need.  My family hasn’t either.  It seems like I’ve talked for quite some time about needing to get some things off my plate, and having Shingles made that even more evident to me.  As I went through the Fall/Winter season it seemed like my whole world was falling apart.  My marriage has suffered.  My kids have suffered.  I have suffered.  Even my relationship with God has suffered.

Life has a way of passing us by.  We can be present in the moment and still miss it.  This is something that has baffled. me for a long time.  I’ve homeschooled my kids for 8 years and still feel like I have missed so much….  how???

Many days, especially recently, I’ve found myself going from day to day, just trying to make it from sun up to sun down. 

There have even been days in the last year when I have said to myself, “I hate my life”.

In reality, I don’t.  If I take a minute to step away from the pure exhaustion, I have a great life.  I have many, many things to be thankful for.  I guess this is a lot of the reason I haven’t really talked about my dark feelings.  I know there are so many others who have much less to be thankful for than I do.  But that doesn’t make the pain any less real.

Maybe you’ve felt this way.  Maybe you’ve felt this aloneness that I am talking about.

But God.

I say it all the time- it never ceases to amaze me the way our God cares for us in such a personal way in the middle of our trials.  Sometimes we’re so wrapped up we don’t see it, but He is always there.

In the last couple of weeks I’ve had a couple of messages that I know came from God…  One in the form of an email from my Dad, asking me if my heart was ok…  Interesting, since it has been broken recently…..  And another from a host of mine from Pampered Chef who sent me a message on Facebook telling me she had dreamed I was depressed and she needed to talk to me about it.  Why do I know these were from God?

My dad lives in Colorado, and I haven’t been able to talk to him for a while because of the busyness, so he had no idea how I was feeling…

My host is just that- someone who I met through my business, who doesn’t know me on a personal level more than facebook and we are not in the same circle for her to know I have been struggling.  Perhaps her message touched me the most.  That she would follow through and message me, and take the risk of being vulnerable enough to share her dreams with  me.  Isn’t this the gift of Christian Sisterhood at work?

“I have told you this so that through me you may have peace. In the world you'll have trouble, but be courageous—I've overcome the world!"  John 16:33

So, yes, it’s been a very dark time for me.  Things have happened in my life that have shaken me to my core.  I’ve let go of some things and endured some hurts that no one should.  Things I have only shared with my inner core of friends.  My inner core of prayer warriors whom I knew would pray for me.  And through this I have felt the power of prayer.  I have had days when I feel like everything will be ok, and days when I haven’t.  I don’t yet know what “ok” is, but I know at this point that I will get there.  And that’s an improvement.

So, back  to Lent…  It’s fitting that I’ve been through an emotional and spiritual winter, and I am now about to head in to Spring.  As the weather warms up, and new beginnings are all around, I’m looking for my own new beginnings.  That, in fact, is exactly what Lent is about….  It’s a period of reflection, of preparing for new beginnings, of shedding off the old, clothing ourselves with the new, of cleansing our hearts, minds, and souls.  It is, essentially our Spring Cleaning as Christians.

Traditionally, something is given up for Lent.  I’ve got a couple.  One of my goals is to not yell at my kids/family/friends/insert innocent victim here…  Yes, I have had some issues with yelling.  I’m not quiet.  Never have been.  But lately, in my state of being overwhelmed, it has gotten worse, and I’m not proud of some of my behaviors.  So, I’m going to aim to keep my voice down when I get frustrated.  Second, on the evenings when I’m home, I’m going to take at least one hour where I’m not on any electronics at all.  If the kids are watching something, I will actually watch it with them.  Interact with them…  No sitting on the couch with them while they watch their thing and I do my thing on the computer/phone/ipad/insert other distraction here..  Essentially I am giving these things up, but what I’m really do is giving my presence to those I love the most….  I’ve been so busy trying to catch up with everything that I’ve forgotten the most important thing I need to catch up on--- my family.

Additionally, I try to add something during Lent that I feel will enhance my Spiritual connection to God.  For now, I’ll start with our Wednesday Soup and Study at our church, continue Bible Devotions with my husband every day, and I’m going to try to make a more conscience effort to BE STILL….

So there it is.  I have told you since the beginning this blog is about my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Today I’ve shared some of my ugly in the hopes that you won’t judge me, and that I am able to touch someone, somewhere and help them where they need it.

So, what are your thoughts on Lent?

Philemon 1:7

Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people.

30 Days of Thankful

Isn’t it funny how we forget?  Isn’t it funny how we take things for granted?

This morning I went for a run.  It was bad from the get go.  I’ve been struggling with possible exercise induced asthma among other things.  But I’ve been pushing through.  I know if I let one thing stop me I’ll just stop completely.

So, this morning I headed out for a quick 3 mile run.  My heart was ready to knock it out and PR it this morning.  My body was not.

Right off the bat my body was not cooperating.  I don’t know if it’s still tired from Saturday’s run of a little over 10 miles, or what.  But from the start my legs were heavy and sore.  I kept going.  I reasoned it was just a quick 3 miles.

About 2 minutes in (yes 2 freaking minutes) I started wheezing.  UGH!  I reasoned I would just do 3/1 intervals, but still make it work….

About a mile in my left knee started to hurt a little.  I thought ok maybe I’ll just run home and not do intervals for the way home….  It will still be 1 1/2 ish…

Then my hip flexor started to hurt, so I continued the intervals….  I cut the run short and headed home with intervals.  I was a little frustrated, especially after my high on Saturday of such a great run, but tried to remind myself that a bad run makes the good runs that much sweeter….  But seriously, 1.75 miles in 25 minutes!!!  SHEESH!  When I was starting out running this was great, but I’M TRAINING FOR A 1/2 MARATHON IN LESS THAN A MONTH!!!! 

So, I hobbled home trying not to feel too sorry for myself…..

Sat at the computer with a nice cup of coffee and some oatmeal….

November is a month that often people say something they’re thankful for every day…  I’ve been doing it this month, so I was thinking of some things I could post about it….

I was reading another page called Running 4 HIM and she was talking about God’s healing power….  And it hit me…..

I RAN 1.75 MILES TODAY.

I’M TRAINING FOR MY SECOND 1/2 MARATHON.

I RAN ALMOST 20 MILES LAST WEEK.

Why is this such a big deal?  Because, that handicap placard at the top of the post is mine.  From 2006.  I was diagnosed in 1986 with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis.  By the time 2006 rolled around I was in bad shape.  I was barely able to walk, I was on several medications, including some used for chemotherapy, and my doctor had recently told me that I better get prepared because the medication treatments were failing and I’d be in a wheelchair within the year.

But God…

But God…

Here’s what I wrote in July of 2006:

“I have always believed that healings happen, but that I am not worthy and there are others who need to be healed more than myself. I have always had a very hard time praying for myself. Well, you know that my Rheumatoid Arthritis has been progressing significantly lately. I have been in an incredible amount of pain and have had to go through a round of steroids just to get by. I have been taking 3 800 mg Ibuprofen every single day in addition to the supplements that I take from Melaleuca. This is barely taking the edge off, and on more than one occasion I have had to hang that annoying handicap placard to go into the store. I have not been able to fully close my hands in at least 3 months. My ankles catch and I have a hard time walking. I was sitting in church the other day and my pastor felt led to talk about healing and the story he chose that day (a day in which I was in an incredible amount of pain and feeling particularly defeated) was the story of how his wife had been healed from Acute Rheumatoid Arthritis. She was wheelchair bound. And after she had been healed her doctor who was not a Christian told her that her God had healed her. When it was time for the peace he came over to me and asked if I was ok. I told him I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and was in a lot of pain. During announcements he told us that they had decided to have a healing service. (Episcopalians don't do this often). He encouraged me to come.
So, over the next few weeks my pain continued to build. My friend Michelle said she thought it was so that I would know when I had been healed. I began receiving emails from people about healings that had taken place. Weird, because this hadn't happened before. Everything was pointing to the healing service. Fr. Desmond called the prayer teams to the altar. There were probably 15 or so teams that went up there. I didn't recognize most of them. Then he called those of us who wished to be healed to the altar. I got in line and followed everyone up there. Imagine how I felt when the person I ended up standing in front of was Fr. Desmond's wife! I told her what to pray for (we haven't met before) and she began to cry. We prayed and I felt a hand on my back. It was my oldest son laying hands on me and praying for me. (I have not taught him to do this, in fact I instructed him to stay in the pew, he was led by the Lord to do so). I went back to my pew and prayed for others I knew who were in need of healing and prayed in Thanksgiving for whatever was God's will for my life. Then the congregation prayed together. As I knelt there I literally felt warmth around my hands. I can't describe it, but it was literally hot around my hands and knuckles.
The next two days I slept a LOT. I am usually up around 6am every day. I didn't get up until about 8 and took a nap both days from 2-4! Guess what?! I have not taken ANY pain medication at ALL since Wednesday. My left ankle has had a catch a couple of times, but my hands have no pain. Where my index finger knuckle was so tender the last time I went to the doctor that he wanted to give me a cortisone shot there is no tenderness. And... I can completely close my hands!! I mowed the grass Friday night and I felt fine afterward. Last time I mowed the grass I was in such pain by the end of it I literally cried for an hour and could barely walk for several days afterward.”

So, today I had a bad run.  OH WELL!!!  Praise God that I was out there running! 

How quickly we forget how blessed we are….

Oh, and my month of thankful…..  It really reminds you of what’s important…  You know I’m on day 27 and I have yet to be thankful for any ITEM I have?  It’s all about relationship…..  Remember that

This just makes my RUN STREAK that much more important to me

GratiTuesday- Reminded of My Healing

We cleaned out the garage this weekend.  We’re selling our pop-up, because we just don’t fit in it anymore (too many people LOL) and we’re going to build a room in the garage and make it the older boys’ room so they can have some more space.  As we were cleaning we came across an old companion of mine….

If you’ve been reading my blog at all you know I’ve been walking a LOT lately, in fact over 30 miles last week!  It’s a major accomplishment, and certainly one I couldn’t do without my walking buddy, Sandy.  But above that, I could not even imagine doing this just a few years ago before God Healed Me.  You see, this little guy went with me everywhere, because walking was a constant struggle.  Driving was a struggle, and I can remember clearly how humiliating driving the cart in the grocery store because I couldn’t walk it was.  It’s not that I have a problem with driving them, it’s just that I was SO YOUNG, and appeared completely healthy.  People would look at me and wonder why I was in it.  I wondered the same, to tell you the truth.

It’s been 5 years since I was healed.  I believe in healing through medication, but that is not how I was healed.  I was completely healed, and I am on no medications!

I hope this encourages you that God still heals today, maybe you’re waiting for His healing.  I am forever grateful, but not immune to the fact that with this healing comes great responsibility to live my life fully for Him…..

And then there were 6   Couldn’t have even thought of chasing these babies around if I was still in the shape I was in 5 years ago….  I would have been in a wheelchair by now!

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!