I’m writing this post early (as I often do,) but I tell you because I’m writing it the night before we finalize the adoptions of our babies. I have an enormous amount of feelings going through me right now, and by the time it is time for this post to go out hopefully these feelings will all be a distant memory, but I wanted to write them so I could remember how I felt tonight, so I can encourage others who may be in my same situation, and so I can share them with the kids later.
If you’re not familiar, we’re foster parents who are blessed to have two children joining our family forever tomorrow. It seems like so long ago that we got them. But, it was! We got Shea almost 2 years ago, and William 18 months ago! They’ve been part of us and we them from the moment we laid eyes on them. They’ve never seemed like other people’s children. They’ve always felt like mine. Which has been very difficult over the past couple of years. We haven’t known they would be staying forever the whole time, in fact we didn’t think they were staying on several occasions. That does some weird things to your heart. You love these precious children, and want to love them completely, with your whole heart, but you can’t, because, they’re not in fact yours….. You do love them, and start to let them in, but keep some walls up for protection. It’s hard to love a child completely, but maintain some walls too. I’m being brutally honest here. I would die for my kids, any one of them, but as we are now within 24 hours of our adoption finalization I am seeing where I have kept some walls up.
I feel really bad about that. I feel like I’ve shortchanged them. I’ll make it up to them for sure….
There are so many things that we have to deal with as foster parents that we just, deal with. As I was shopping for court clothes it hit me that *this year* when I’m shopping for Christmas I can shop with a different confidence that the kids aren’t going anywhere. Last year we had court just a few days after Christmas to determine our fate…..
This year I’ll be able to send out Christmas photos again….. We haven’t sent out anything at all for 2 years because we wanted to include the babies and we couldn’t.
This year we can go on vacation without getting approval….
After tomorrow I can light candles in my house again….. And have a box fan running when it gets hot….
Most of all, as I soaked Shea’s pillow with my tears tonight when I put her to bed and told her, I’m going to get their hugs and kisses forever and ever and ever and no one will take us away from each other…….. You have no idea how this feels……… Do you know what it’s like to be afraid to tell your baby you’ll always be there for her because you don’t want to promise something you can’t guarantee……
But, tomorrow this will all be over, and we’ll be officially a forever family ….. It’s been a crazy road, a long road, a road filled with unexpected surprises (both good and bad), but it’s been God’s plan the whole time and it has been worth every.single.tear.we’ve.shed.