Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Another Letter

Well, I got another letter from my mother. This one wasn't mean, which is an improvement, but it wasn't nice either. You know, sometimes I think I shouldn't even open anything from her. But I just have this hope that she will come around eventually. This one told me that she thought about me all day on my birthday and wondered if she would call, but just didn't. She hasn't even read the letter I sent her. She says she's afraid of it. Whatever. Then she went on to tell ME to not let anger and my ego rule my life. How would she know what is ruling my life when she won't talk to me and won't read my letters? It is truly mind blowing. The bad part is, just as I start to be able to move towards forgiveness she says or does something to hurt me again. I'm trying to forgive all of the junk. I really am. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm trying to find my part in it so I can apologize. I just can't. I have all the letters she has sent me over the last few years in my hope chest and it really amazes me how cruel she has been, yet somehow I feel like it is my fault, or that there is something I could do differently. It makes me want to scream. So, I think what my friend said is the right thing to do. If she corresponds with me again I need to let someone else open it and decide if I should read it. If it's not nice they should just put it away for me and I shouldn't read it. It's the only way I'm going to be able to move through the forgiveness stages. I'd rather forgive and be naive then continue on this painful path. I've also decided that really if anyone deserves an apology it is me. So I will just wait. I will not contact her for any reason from this point forward (not that I have contacted her since I was blacklisted at the hospital) until it is clear to me that she is in a different state of mind. Not because I am angry, but because I really understand that all we do is hurt each other and I want to stop the cycle. When she's ready to stop the cycle then we'll be able to move forward, and that hasn't happened yet.

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