Thursday, July 06, 2006


Family. What do you do with them? You love them anyway, I guess. I think I am probably just a little over sensitive right now because I have been in an enormous amount of pain lately, but still. I really hate it when my words get twisted. It happens all the time with my mom and now it is happening with my sister. I tell her one thing, and she twists it into this whole other bigger thing and makes it sound like I am being mean to her. This. in turn, makes my dad mad at me. Normally I would just shrug this off, because this has happened to me all of my life. I say I am probably just super sensitive because I can't seem to shake it.

The other day I called and talked to my sister. I was telling her and Dad that I was going to be up there in August for Convention and telling her that Michael and I had gone back and forth about it because of the expense. She says, yeah, I am going back and forth too. I said, about going to Convention? (She is a business builder too) and she said no, about moving. (My dad has been wanting to move here and get a big piece of land for us to live on together so he can be closer to the kids. But she doesn’t want him to leave her, (or for his checkbook to leave) so she said she would move too. Now for the last 2 years or so it has been a stalling game on her part of multitude reasons why she can’t move now.) So I asked her what was up. She said while she was down here in May she felt great, and was really ready to move, but now that she is back up there in her comfort zone she doesn’t know if she wants to or not. So, I told her maybe she should just let Dad move then, if she isn’t ready and move if and when she gets ready. Well that threw her into a tizzy and she started telling me all of the things she can’t do by herself (which I don’t buy half of them) and that she couldn’t just let Dad move. Then she said she guessed she was being selfish and I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say anything because I do think she is being selfish, and she knows it. So then she got even more hysterical and I told not to be too hard on herself, that pain makes you do weird things, but that she does need to try to be more independent because she is way too dependent on Dad and one day he isn’t going to be around. Plus that is just part of growing up. Well, she got off of the phone and told my dad that I told her she was keeping Dad from doing all of the things he wanted to do. Now, I do think that, but I would never say it, because it isn’t my place to speak for my dad. So, now my dad and Trin are both mad at me for saying that (which I didn’t say). Welcome to my entire childhood revisited. I would be playing with Trin, she wouldn’t get her way, she would fuss and tell my parents I did something completely different from what I had done and I would get in trouble. Then they wondered why we weren’t close. Hmmmmmm….

You know what it really boils down to? All of my childhood I always felt like I was sort of second class. My Mom and Dad always favored my sister. She was the baby, so I just always did my best to ignore it. When my parents split up I had a fleeting moment when I actually felt equal in my Dad’s eyes. I felt like he loved me the same as my other two sisters. And I loved it. But it was only temporary. Now I am back to being a second class citizen. I have to walk on egg shells every time I talk with my sister because anything I say could be taken the wrong way at any moment and then she will spin out of control and then my dad will be mad at me.

I almost feel like I am in a game of tug of war, only I am losing because I refuse to play! I am not going to participate in the “who is sicker” game either! I am in an incredible amount of pain lately, and am not able to do the things I usually do, (which is killing me), and I guess my feelings are still hurt because I was criticized about how clean my house was or wasn't when my dad and sister came. It was as clean as I could get it! I can only do what I can do, and my husband works a huge amount of hours every week and can only help as much as he can help, which is not much. I don't have my dad living here and helping me keep the house up. Cooking when I am not up to it, doing the dishes when the very act of picking up a plate sends pain through my body. Nope, I have to do it anyway. I don't have someone going to see what my child needs when every time my feet hit the floor it sends pain through my body. I have to do it. And I have to do my best to put a smile on my face so my kids don't worry. Even typing this is painful, but the old stand by the pen is not my friend either.

So, for whatever reason I allowed myself to get my hopes up that my dad was going to move here and my kids were going to get to know him and I might have some time with him. But the bottom line is, he is a person, and I refuse to play tug of war with him, so she wins due to forfeit.

I guess no matter how old I get I am still just a child who wants to be loved by her parents.

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