What happens to those ugly thoughts? Sometimes they grow. They take on a life of their own, and before you know it, a minor ugly thought has started to take over and consume you. I don't really know the answer to this, because, the other side is that if you voice these ugly thoughts that can give them power as well.
What I know about myself is my own head is often the worst place to be. I can easily choose offense when I see that one of my friends has tagged several of our friends, but not me. I can easily choose despair when my 7 year old is throwing his 10th tantrum of the day. I can easily choose defeat when my husband looks more at his phone than me. I can easily choose thoughts of inadequacy when I look at my messy house. Part of the problem is where I choose to get my strength from. All of these are real problems for just about any mom or wife, right? We all go through ebbs and flows of feeling great about ourselves, and feeling down. There are books about friendships, like Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding And Keeping Lasting Friendships and Nothing to Prove: Why We Can Stop Trying So Hard that say none of these feelings are unique to me. In this age of "connection" through FaceBook, Instagram, SnapChat etc we are finding ourselves less connected than ever. Rarely do we visit each other's homes anymore. Phone calls are almost a thing of the past. I am as guilty as anyone. As these technological advances came promising more time, I find myself with less and less and less.
If you've read my blog for any period of time, you know that I am completely in love with God. He is the source of my strength in the hard times. But this is the important point. There are hard times. Being a Christian doesn't make me immune from that. I look for self-worth in all the wrong places a lot. He is always beckoning me back to Him. I know that closing up inside myself is the absolute wrong thing to do, and I need to work on changing that. Over the next while, I'm going to spend some time thinking about how I close myself up and how I can begin to see people again. I'll be going over the various different aspects of my life that make it what it is- grief, adoption, homeschooling, law enforcement, parenting, having adult children, being an in-law etc. Each has it's own piece in my life. I invite you to join with me and share your journey with me as well. Do you crave connection too? Let's do something about it!
I love music. It speaks to my heart. One of my favorite places to go to be with God is music. And Hillsong is often the path that gets me into a place of worship. One of my favorite albums is Empires. If you haven't heard it, check it out.
Through waters uncharted my soul will embark
I'll follow Your voice straight into the dark
And if from the course You intend
Speak to the sails of my wandering heart
Like the wind
Clear the skies before me
And I'll glide this open sea
Like the stars
Will align my voyage
And remind me where I've been
And where I am going
Lost in the shallows amidst fear and fog
Your truth is the compass that points me back north
My soul's trusted Lord
All my allegiance is rightfully Yours