Here we are. It's been a year. As I look back over the past year I feel like we've all lived a lifetime, yet it also seems like yesterday. Part of me wants to fast forward to Wednesday, as if skipping over the one year anniversary would be some magical solution that would make it easier....... or not to have happened.... Part of me doesn't want to enter into the next year because that means that it's been a year. And if it's been a year since Bug left us, then the chances of this being a nightmare and being real life are that much more. If it's been a year, I'm not going to wake up to realize that this was a crazy dream, but Bug's still here. I know that none of this is logical. I know whether it's been a minute, a month, or a year it doesn't change a thing. The fact is, she is not here.
And the truth is, I'm reminded of this every single day.
I'm reminded as I see the sadness in my children's' eyes when they get quiet.
I was reminded of the fact that she's gone the other day as I stared at a questionnaire asking me when my son first started talking as a baby.... I don't know that answer. That is an answer his mother knows....
I was reminded of the fact that she's gone as I watched my daughter frantically try to control her environment and the people around her, for fear of losing another person she loves.
I was reminded as we drove into the cemetery on Christmas.
I was reminded when I got a letter from the cemetery about special events that they hold for plot owners. I don't want to own a cemetery plot.
I was reminded as I set up my bills for this year, and one of our paydays falls on Bug's birthday.
I was reminded as I watched the sun go down tonight, marking the end of our first year without her.
I was reminded as my son watched me sleep because I was still and it scared him. I wonder how long it will scare him to watch someone sleep.
I wonder how many times I will have to answer "I don't know" to questionnaires about various things for the kids.
I wonder if I will be able to let go of my own fear about losing someone else I love. I see a lot of my own thoughts in my daughter when she gets frantic.
I wonder when I'll be able to make it several days in a row without crying.
I wonder when the veil of sadness will lift..... even a little.....
I wonder when it won't be so hard to smile.
I wonder when it will feel good to be happy.
I wonder how long it will take to stop feeling guilty.
I wonder how long it will be before I can truly feel like I couldn't have somehow changed the outcome.
Here we are. 1 year later. The shock has worn off, but the sadness persists...... I had hoped I would be further along this grief path by now.