The Post Christmas Valley

It's here.  That time of year when all of the excitement and expectation of Christmas has come and gone and you suddenly look up and realize the year is just about over.  The time when I start looking back over the past year to evaluate the good, the bad, and the ugly, in preparation for the coming year.  The time that I spend holding on to the joy of Christmas as tightly as I can, while watching my tree die and knowing I'll soon have to put all the decorations away.  It's very bitter sweet.

This year we have had so much happen, it's hard to even believe it all happened in just one year!  As I look around me I can't help but think about how blessed I am.  I have such a full and rich life.  It's not an easy life, and that's important to note.  Sometimes we look at life and think, "If I can just make this much money, things will be easy", or "If I get this one item, I'll be happy".  The truth is, happiness doesn't exist in money or things.  It exists in the hearts of those we love.

My two youngest children were adopted from the foster care system.  They are beautiful, resilient, loving souls.  But, they are broken.  We are all broken in our own ways, that's the reality of this life.  But my Littles are broken on a very deep level.  And that brokenness is hard to see past sometimes.  It's sometimes work to love them.  I'm not saying there's ever a time when I don't love them, but sometimes it's work to get them to accept love.  They are broken places that are so deep, it's hard to reach them.

Many days I find myself feeling like a failure as a parent.  When we started this adoption journey we had such high hopes.  We will just love on these kids and they will be fine.  We knew it would be difficult.  We knew it would be messy.  But I don't know that we were prepared for how difficult and heartbreaking it would be at times.  A parent's love for their child is an all-encompassing thing, and when you can't fix things for your child it hurts.  When you pour every bit of yourself into your child, loving them with every ounce of your being, and they still question your love on a deep level, it hurts.  When you look into your child's eyes and see a veil of sadness that they can't seem to shake, it hurts. When your child does things to be self- sabotaging, it hurts.

I cry out to God regularly and beg Him to heal them.  Sometimes it feels like my prayers go unanswered.

That's where the goodness of the Post Christmas Valley lies, though.  As we look at the past year, and really look, we can see the healing.  We don't see it in the day to day, because it's not a dramatic difference.  And, my Littles aren't the only ones being healed of their past hurts.  I am too.  I am healed of a little bit of the pain of rejection from my own mother every time I love them through a hard spot.  I am healed a little bit of the pain of failure every time they reach for me.

My daughter took a long time to let us in, and it has been just in the last year that we've started to crack her shell.  She's finally really letting us in, and that's come with it's own struggles.  I'm blessed to be her mom and learn about true unconditional love through her.  I've had to love her even when she wouldn't let me.  And the reward of her finally opening up a little has been well worth it.

My son has a veil of sadness and deep feelings of loss that sometimes consumes him. I find him lashing out in anger and declaring he doesn't care when really, the problem is he is starting to care and that is very scary for him.  He talks uncontrollably, causing him to get in trouble in school, which then causes him to feel worse about himself.  Watching this happen is heartbreaking for me as his mother.  I can't fix that for him.  All I can do is come along side him and love him where he is.  And, in the quiet moments when he climbs up in my lap and allows himself to be vulnerable for just a moment, I can see God working in him.

You see, when you are at the end of yourself, you are better able to see God at work.

And that is the redeeming power of Christ.  That is the redeeming power of the Post Christmas Valley.  The quiet moments as we close this year out, where we take a moment to see just how far we've come.  We take a moment to focus a little more on God, and a little less on our struggles.

The truth is, we're all broken vessels in one way or another, but God.   But God, can redeem us.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you

"Broken Vessels (Amazing Grace)"

All these pieces
Broken and scattered
In mercy gathered
Mended and whole
Empty handed
But not forsaken
I've been set free
I've been set free

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

You take our failure
You take our weakness
You set Your treasure
In jars of clay
So take this heart, Lord
I'll be Your vessel
The world to see
Your love in me

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
[2x]

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost
But now I'm found
Was blind but now I see
[2x]

Oh I can see it now
Oh I can see the love in Your eyes
Laying yourself down
Raising up the broken to life
[3x]