Another long period of silence has befallen my blog. It’s just another thing in the list of things that I love that I don’t have time to fully participate in right now. The past several months have held so much change for me that I kind of feel like I’m a little lost at times. I think I need to just lay it out to make peace with it.
The funny thing is, I used to be a person who loved change, was even excited by the thought of change. If there was change possible, I was all over it!
And then I married my husband, and had kids and that all changed. Hmmm… As I read what I just wrote I realize that even the way I feel about change involves change…..
Now, I navigate change, rather than embrace it. I’m not sure why this is the way I feel now. If it is that I get attached to the way my life is, and change is scary, or what. But, none the less, I navigate it.
I suppose some of my dislike for change happened more around the time when my parents divorced. I realized then that some change involves a LOT of pain. Some change will affect you in ways you never thought possible. And some change we have no control over, even if we try to. I think, actually, that this is where my dislike for change has the majority of it’s root. Change was no longer safe. I came out of the divorce MUCH worse for the wear, and worse, my entire family (nuclear, and extended) was fractured beyond repair. I still face pain related to that on an almost daily basis. I’m not placing blame anywhere, which is another reason it adds to my fear. I don’t even know where the fault laid in the end, and with no real person to blame, there is no solution in my mind.
A few years ago one of my very dear friends and pastor left our church to be the rector at another church. While I was so very happy for her, the change was painful for me. That change was only made more painful when she died just a few short months later.
Over time change has taken on a new meaning for me…….. pain……
I know all change isn’t bad. I know in my brain that change is necessary, change is inevitable, and change is constant. But my heart says change is painful.
Over the last year a lot of change has happened in my life. And, I’m trying to navigate through it.
My pastor of about 10 years retired…. I’m so proud of him and happy for him, but, our church in in the search process and it’s hard.
My Teaching Director at the Bible Study I’ve attended for the last 7 years resigned. She has given countless hours of love and dedication to CBS, and she deserves some time to rest…. but still, this was like a one-two punch for me spiritually.
Then the music ministry leader for the Bible Study told us she would not be returning and I wasn’t sure what my role was in Bible Study anymore.
Then Gregory said he wanted to attend school of some sort. He needs more that what I’ve been able to give him, especially lately with all I’ve had on my plate. So, we started researching schools. When we found one, I unexpectedly felt called to put the Littles in the same school, and it came with a catch---- it is 2 days a week and I have to stay on campus. And it is the same day as my bible study is held.
So- I had to let Bible Study go. I do it for my kids. I feel like my main ministry at this time is my kids. They’ll only be where they are for a short time, and then I can get involved in whatever I want. I tell myself it’s only a season. One I won’t regret. But it’s still hard to let it go. I cried when I sent the email.
This week one of the families in our home group are moving. They’ve been so much more than members of our group. They’ve served as an extension of our family. Mark felt the calling to be a pastor several years ago, and the time has come for them to move to Virginia for him to go to Seminary. That’s what we’re supposed to do, right? Bring them in, build them up, and send them out? More change. More painful change. I am so very very proud of them all for answering the call, as Rev. Marge said today, it is not a ministry that Mark is alone in embarking on, but one the whole family will be affected by and a part of. I’m proud to call them close friends.
And today, in church I was asked about my commitment to something that I hold very dear. I was asked about my commitment to my chapter for the Religious Order I am a part of. The truth is, while I feel like I’m doing what I can for my chapter, my involvement certainly isn’t what it used to be. As I reflected about this I felt my heart breaking again. I never considered that I would have to leave the chapter I helped to restart. But, I have to be honest about my ability to commit right now and it’s not good. We will have a totally different schedule this year and I don’t really know what it holds for me, so for me to say I’ll do better in the fall would not be a true statement. I guess I just considered my absence at the meetings another season, but hadn’t considered leaving the chapter until today. I know that my primary focus right now has to be my family. My oldest will graduate this year, and the Littles are in a place right now where they demand so much of me that I struggle to even give to my husband and older boys what THEY need. There just isn’t much time for me right now. THAT is a season. It will pass. There will come a time when I can do more of the things I want to do. But now, there is more change and more pain. *Update- I was told that there was a miscommunication with the message that I needed to leave the chapter. I’m not sure where that miscommunication started, but I do not have to leave my chapter. The damage emotionally is still a little raw, both on my side and theirs, so it will take some time, but time heals a multitude…*
Change is Life, Life is Change. I know it is. Not all change is painful- my husband got a much deserved promotion! That is good change, but, admit ably even that change has been something to navigate. I trust God to direct my steps. I trust that this a season in my life that He has called me to. I will try to embrace where He is leading me. Because my experience has been that God’s plan is bigger and better than any plan I can drum up.