Time is a Funny Thing

The 13th of this month marked what would have been my cousin's 49th birthday.

We are still in Post Hurricane Harvey mode, which is a strange place to be anyway.  My house was fine, and I'm continually surprised by how I've been affected by this storm.  In some ways it was like a metaphor for how I have felt about my life recently.  The storm just kept going.  When we thought it should stop raining it kept raining.  When we were unsure if the water would take us over, it kept raining.  We were prepared for a storm.  We were even prepared for a big storm.  But, like life, we were not prepared for what came.  We found ourselves day after day simply trying to make it through the day, unsure if tomorrow would be a day that took us under, or a day we conquered.  This feeling has lingered, even though the storm has passed.  And, while we were ok, many of our very dear friends were not.  There are several friends who lost everything, and we are just doing what we can to help, all the while feeling inadequate in our ability to help them.

Grief is the same way.  I'll be going along life and thinking I'm beginning to be ok, and then suddenly the water in my eyes begins to rise again and before I know it tears are streaming once again.  It's still raining.  It's not as relentless as it was in the beginning.  I see pockets of sunshine now, and even dry periods, but the storm of grief has not left me yet.

Many days I want to just move out of this storm.  The longer it holds on, the weaker I feel.  I see it creeping into many areas of my life, where it isn't welcome.  Where I used to stand tall and confident, that light is gone.  I feel inadequate in almost every area of my life.  I am scared a lot, and I used to be rather fearless.  Sometimes the fear is justified, but many times it is not.  It simply does not allow me to enjoy the moment for fear of what could happen.  I know I should not rush myself through this, but it is rushing when it feels like so much time has already passed? But, I can't rush myself or even move myself slowly.  I am not in control of this storm.

There are things that never leave me.  Watching my children meticulously clean off their mother's grave marker is one.  This is not something any child should have to do.  As I watched them carefully clean, I found myself grieving for what Bug didn't get to do.  I'm so grateful for the gift of being able to be these kids' mom, but I will never replace her.  (I don't want to).  There is still a hole in their heart, one that I will never fully fill.  Even though they tell me all the time how much they love me, I know I will never really fill that void for them.  It's not my fault that I'm inadequate here, I'm actually not supposed to be able to fill that space completely, because I would never want to erase her from their life, but it still hurts to not be able to do that for them.  I know that there will always be that scar in their life, and mine.  We want better for our children.  We don't want them to emerge from childhood already scarred by life.

But, regardless of what we do, the truth is not one of us goes through this life without scars.

Even Jesus didn't go through life without scars.  Many things we will not understand this side of heaven, but what I do know in my heart is that when we use our own scars to help others, it helps to give those scars a positive purpose.  I often wish things were different, but as I do, I realize that I would be missing out on the things about life as it is that bring me joy.  My daughter is a funny, compassionate soul, who comes behind me and supports me when I need it, and I see in our future an amazing friendship between mother and daughter that I never got to experience with my own mother, and she never got to experience with hers.  We can give that to each other.  My son has changed so much, from a scared, awkward kid, to a young man who is finding his way and his purpose.  Life has not been kind to him in many ways, and he has those scars, which will help him to see the heart of others who often feel misunderstood and lonely.  I spend a lot of time being scared that my children will experience yet another loss, because they have already experienced far more than is fair, but I think God is trying to show me that each piece of our life is part of who we are and whose we are.

When we rely on our human ability to control our environment we will always feel inadequate.

It has been a long, painful lesson in letting go.  It's not over yet.

I'm grateful that the God who created the Universe knows me personally, knows my heart, and never leaves me no matter how much I fail.  When my mouth fails me, He knows my heart.  When my arms fail me, He knows my strength.  When my feet fail me, He knows my way.

"You Know Me" Bethel Music

You have been and You will be
You have seen and You will see

You know when I rise and when I fall
When I come or go You see it all
You hung the stars and you move the sea
And still You know me

Whoa oh oh oh oh oh oh
oh oh oh You know me [repeat]

Nothing is hidden from Your sight
Wherever I go, You find me
You know every detail of my life
You are God and You don't miss a thing

You memorize me

Here Now

Skies spin their dance within Your breath

Time runs its race within Your hand

And my mind runs wild to comprehend

What no mind on earth could understand 

At the beginning of this month Hurricane Harvey hit our area.  Usually, hurricanes come in, spin around, blow some things down, do some damage on the coast, and move on.  But not this one.  Harvey just stuck around.  For days and days and days it rained.  And it rained some more.  We were all trapped inside our houses, watching a combination of the news and our Facebook feeds.  Trying to will the storm away.  But it just kept raining.

Your ways are higher

Your thoughts are wilder

Love came like madness

Poured out in blood-washed romance

It makes no sense but this is grace

And I know You're with me in this place 

Strange things happen in your mind when you watch the water rise, and the rain continue.  When you live minute to minute unsure of whether water will take over your home.  When you watch on TV and on Facebook other people losing their possessions, their homes, their lives.  It's very clear that there is no way to stop whatever is going to happen.  You really have to just surrender.  

Here now

Still my heart

Let Your voice be all I hear now

Fix my eyes on things that I can't see now

Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way

'Cause I know You're in this place 

We were tired.  We were tired of each other.  We were tired of the rain.  We were tired of the house.  We were tired of living on edge.  And then, one night I heard the Lord tell me to pray specifically for dry air to enter the center of the storm and dismantle it and move it on.  I shared my prayer request with people I know and I know others prayed for the same thing.

Faith makes a fool of what makes sense

But grace found my heart where logic ends

When justice called for all my debts

The Friend of sinners came instead 

By the next morning the storm had moved East.  It was now directly over us, which normally isn't a good thing, but there was nothing normal about this storm.  Dry air was pushing in from the West, right into the center of the storm and building up which was pushing it East.  And soon it was moving away.  After a week of relentless rain, we finally saw the sunset again.  I love the sunset, but this one- this one was even more special.

Your ways are higher

Your thoughts are wilder

Love came like madness

Poured out…

After the storm passed, my house had remained dry, but my cheeks had not.  I had grieved.  I had grieved for my many friends who had lost their homes.  I grieved for the loss of our normal way of life.  I grieved for the fact that parts of our community would never again be the same.  Sunday night as the water rose and I became less sure than ever of whether we would flood or not, I told my Middles they needed to pack bags and put important things up high on shelves.  I held myself together until my daughter came in crying because she was having to face the possibility of losing things from her biological mom.  She was having to choose which things to put on high shelves and realizing the gravity of the situation.  They have already lost so much. It got me to thinking about the way we look at loss.  So often we hold on to stuff, don't we?  I'm not saying it's all bad, usually it is because it reminds us of people we love.  When we went to the cemetery on Wednesday for my cousin's birthday, I was ripe with fear of what we would find.  Thankfully, our part of the cemetery was fine, but it wasn't all fine.  As I was talking to the kids about it, my daughter said that she was glad that when their mom was first buried we talked a lot about how she isn't "there", that that is just a place that is designated as somewhere we could go to talk about her or to her.  But in truth, it isn't where she is.  She's in our hearts.  She's in the good we do for others.  She's in our love for each other.

Sometimes we hold on to the loss.  It's like if we let it go, what we've lost will not be valuable to us anymore.  If we walk forward, who we've lost loses their significance.  But the truth is, no matter what, they are a part of who we are, and their loss is a part of who we are.

 I've spent a lot of time living in fear.  I've experienced some profound loss over the past few years, and it has knocked me off my feet a little.  In some moments I'm overcome by this fear.  While the storm was swirling around, and the water was rising and my husband was at work (and would still be for several days) I found myself losing my footing and letting the fear grow.  So may people were losing so much.  I know what that feels like.  I didn't want to think about people I love going through that.  I didn't want to think about myself or my family losing more.  I focused in on my fears for a while and took my eyes off God while I did it.  But after a while I realized that was not where I was supposed to be looking.  When I press into God, and wait for Him to catch me as I fall again and again I can feel safe again.  The less I feel like I have it together, the more grateful I am to God for loving me anyway.  I think that's part of His plan.  To love us anyway, and remind us to love others.  The less perfect we are, the more we can accept others' brokenness too.

I know that you are Here now

Still my heart Let Your voice be all I hear now

Fix my eyes on things that I can't see now 

Spirit breathe like the wind come have Your way

'Cause I know You're in this place 

Faith makes a fool of what makes sense

But grace found my heart where logic ends