Writer's Block

I've got a small case of writer's block.  I always assumed it would be in the form of just having nothing to say, but that isn't the case.  In my case, I have so MUCH to say that I'm unable to organize my thoughts.  Do I write a post about adoption?  Do I write about grief?  Do I write about PTSD in those who have lost loved ones?  Do I write about bullet journaling?  Do I write about sending a kid off to college?  Do I write about being a mother in law?  Do I write about the 2 officers in as many weeks killed by drunk drivers in my area?  Do I write about the officer who was shot to death in Louisiana?  Do I write about being an officer's wife?

You get the point. 

I wrote recently about how God helps us handle the impossible when we're called to something.  And, I also wrote in another post about my Littles and how their lives are still hard, all these years later.  At some point, I do intend to elaborate on adoptive issues like they have, and different ways you can adopt, and cope with things etc.  But, I think today, in the theme of "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called"  I'll touch on our decision to homeschool the Littles.

When we were going through the foster/adopt process we were already homeschooling our oldest children.  We started homeschooling them because they were not being well served by the elementary school we are zoned to.  One of my sons had been bullied for 2 years at that point by another child, and the teachers were given very little power to do anything about it.  So, we made the decision to homeschool and see if that was better.

Over time, what I learned about homeschooling is that it doesn't at all look like what I thought it would look like.  We were not, in fact, stuck at home by ourselves all the time.  Actually, I had to learn a very important word when it came to socializing: NO.  We found ourselves with so many opportunities that we had to learn to work first, play second.  This was a good lesson for us all :) So, over time we got into a rhythm and all was well in the homeschooling world.

Here's the number one most important thing about homeschooling for my family:

Homeschooling is about relationship first, academics second.

What I found, was that the number one benefit to us as we homeschooled was the change in our family.  We became extremely close as a family, and the time we were able to spend as homeschoolers, learning together is some of the best spent time in my life.  As I now have my oldest son married off and in college, and my second son heading to Baylor University in the Fall, I am overwhelmed by what a blessing it was to be able to spend that time with them.

With my Littles, however, we have sent them to a Charter School in the area.  Because, remember what I said above?  Homeschooling is about relationship first, academics second.  My Littles have a host of things going on that cause them to be a lot to handle.  My energy level definitely does not match there's.....  And when our energy levels don't match, we break down.  I've had to really sit down with myself and decide if more time is better for our relationship, or if less time is better.  For the past 2 years, the answer has been that less time is better.

But God, right?  You've heard me say this so many times...  But God.

Over the last couple of months my youngest (who has struggled behaviorally in Kindergarten) (he talks too much) has been having meltdowns almost every day.  When he melts down he says things like, "I'm just a stupid kid", "Everyone Hates Me", "I'm a bad kid".  When I say melt down I mean melt down.  I have an appointment for him to see a psychiatrist in July, because he was getting so bad I was getting very, very worried that something is very, very wrong.  His behavior grades in school were going down, and he as coming home on red, orange, or yellow every day.  They use a color system at the school for behavior.  You start on white, and if you're caught being good, you move up- Green, Blue, and then Purple.  But, if you're caught doing something wrong, you move down- Yellow, Orange, and then Red.  You can move your clip down for not standing in line, for talking out of turn, for touching the wall etc.  In theory it sounds good, except it really doesn't work for all kids, and for my two kiddos who struggle with self-worth, it REALLY didn't work well.  Every time my youngest had to move his clip down he internalized that he as a bad kid.  This did not help him improve his behavior.    So, while he was never doing anything really bad, he did end up on red quite often, for talking out of turn.  Oh and also he has impulse control issues related to the Sensory Processing Disorder that cause him to talk when he hasn't had enough sensory input.  In fairness, he can talk A LOT. 

So, as this was going on, I was feeling the Lord poke me about homeschooling them.  My conversation with the Lord was something like this:
God:  Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me:  Are you crazy?
God:  Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me: There is NO way I can handle THIS and not completely destroy our relationship.
God: Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me: I don't want to.  I want some time to myself.
God: Maybe you should homeschool them
Me: Maybe the separation is making it harder on him, but maybe being together will be harder on me.
God: Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me: I don't know if I can handle homeschooling FOUR, and most specifically, these two....
God: Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me:  I've noticed since school has been out, the joy has started to return to William's face.  He's had almost no meltdowns.
God: Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me: I've noticed Shea and Will getting closer with each other, less fighting, but I still don't know if I can handle this.  I'm barely holding on right now.
God: Maybe you should homeschool them.
Me: Ok, God I think you want me to homeschool them (duh lol), but I'm really scared, so I'm going to trust you to equip the called, because I do not feel at all like you are calling the equipped.

So, there it is.  Next year, I will be homeschooling the 4 kids.  I'm both terrified and excited.  And, as I'm making peace with this decision I'm looking forward to how it will help them bond more with each other, too.  Adoptive families have a lot riding on bonding.